Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Love(failure) Story

Love(failure) Story

So hope you enjoyed reading the previous parts of my story. If you have not read please read it here part one and part two.And today is one of the longest blog I ever wrote so please bear with me.Today’s reading may have adult content so if you think you are mature enough then only read this at your own risk ha-ha! Its better to be safe and to give a warning. But trust me it’s a good read and I hope you learn from what I want to say. Days passed, weeks passed months passed and then years passed until I met my first girlfriend (If she is reading I am sorry but I will not tell your name but I will just tell the story). And things started changing I have waited for this so long. I missed the pages or I don’t know where I kept them in which I wrote the description in which I fell in love with this girl. But I will not take too much time to share about her. See actually I also don’t know much about her because the relationship longed only for three months. She was three years elder or more than that. She was a very talkative girl and over friendly with anyone and everyone we become good friends and started talking over phone and via sms. Things were going pretty well until one day she poured out her heart and told me that she do not have parents and her current family have adopted her and they really don’t love her and shared all the difficulties she goes through all that and then she also shared that she have some weird disease I don’t know what but one thing I know it has something to do with the uterus and because of that disease she can never give birth to a baby.
And she is overweight and has several other diseases due to that problem. And I am not that good in medical science didn’t really care much what she said and what she meant. I wish I was more sincere in listening that. I felt that she is the right girl I was always wanted a partner who don’t want to have babies (I never thought I will get married and also if I get married not to have babies because according to me life was meaningless and full of problem therefore why to bring someone in such earth to again bear problems) I know many of you are thing how silly is that? But I was just nineteen years old what do you expect?
She was telling story in very emotional way almost pouring out all the troubles and she was crying over the phone and my heart was beating and I got emotional and I said those three magical words for the first time to a girl I slowly dared and whispered “I love you”. And she said I know she thought I am just being friendly to her but then I shocked her saying “I want to marry you”. Now that was serious she started explaining “no-no this cannot happen; how it is possible and all that blah blah!!!” But I was like a fool repeating the same thing I love you and I want the answer. Finally she said “yes”.
My world went upside down and I just jumped couldn’t sleep for few days and was talking and talking to her I don’t know about what. I was so happy I started announcing it here and there like a crazy man that cupid had shot me the arrow of love and I was in cloud9. I told my best friend and other friends about this. And I was so genuine and innocent that I even told my mom about it. It was like a dream come true. Because as you read previously this was the day I waited and anticipated for. Immediately my facebook status was changed to “committed” from “single”. But after few days everything went cold. I don’t know what happened to me. But still the excitement was very high and finally we planned a date for a movie hmm it was stupid movie though? I gave my diary in which I wrote my past as a gift to read I don’t know if she ever read it? And on the first date she kissed me. I was not ready for that. But now what we crossed the line but actually if I think the line was never drawn. I should not blame here completely because I myself was thinking about it and as you read in previous story the reason behind it. And after that moment every commitment was secondary for her and only thing that was in her mind was about physical
And later she came to my room and I cannot tell what happened but you know when a boy and a girl are alone in a room.(Though I clearly remember my roommate cautioned me and on other hand my best friend Ryan cautioned my saying “dude take care you might end up doing something wrong?”) Still I was a fool but what to do I was already in the mindset of doing it because I thought I will ultimately marry her? I couldn’t wait after that I started asking her to get married but she keep postponing it until she met her new boyfriend. But I still remember I didn’t know how I will manage this new relationship against all odds but still I wanted to marry her genuinely.
In all the relationship of three months I don’t even remember how many times I told her I love you but I clearly remember I never said I trust you. I actually never trusted her, I don’t know why? She asked me once that whether I trust my best friend or not I clearly said my best friend not you. I remember asking her many times whether she loves me or not and she use to say yes but when I asked why? I got no answer. I asked this question for two reasons one is to know whether she loves me or not and second I wanted to know the reason so that I can take it forward because for me it started becoming meaningless. I never really got to know her because she was not willing to continue the relationship. But when we were in this relationship it was never the way I thought about it for the whole life. I thought love was the ultimate answer of my weary life but here it broke me more miserable. I have always seen movies and read romantic fairy tales and fictions that people told me and I was convinced that love is that magic we all are ultimately waiting which is suppose to answer all our questions of our lives. But with me it didn’t answer any question of my life neither was I satisfied as I dreamed my whole life. Even being in relationship with her and talking to her about bright future and many things my mind was wandering and haunting me asking is this thought is ultimate answer in your life. My heart and mind were taking me to a toll asking why you are here? Rather than solving any quest of my life, this emotions threatened me because I was new because of this relationship I gave off many bad habits but leaving them I thought I will make good ones but failed because I was looking for meaning in all this but rather finding one I was taken away from it. Whenever she called me we never discussed life but only about physical intimacy after few days only words I use to utter was where are you? how are you? And I love you! and there was no meaning left in our discussions.   

In all this going in my mind and heart one day suddenly she says it is finished. I tried calling asking her what is finished but she said nothing. I called her and she stopped answering my call, stopped speaking to me. She never told me why? She never told what and how? Our relationship ended. And that was the most painful moment of my whole life. And as Dr. Ravi K Zacharias says “the loneliest moment in the life is when you have just experienced that which you thought would deliver the ultimate, and it has just let you down.”
I was bitterly lonely and didn’t know where to run? Whom should I go and why? I was betrayed, I was dumped that too without a reason. Without any explanation she left me alone saying “don’t call me anymore”. For many-many days I convinced myself that she is testing me or there is definitely an explanation to this maybe she needs some time. And I told stories and many other things to convince myself that she has not left me for real. But the truth was she was gone. Life was worse and it became worst. I hated the world so much already and now after knowing a girl to whom I thought I will get married; with whom I shared everything and she betrayed me I lost hope on love too. I was broken in pieces and ready to destroy. I was broken and lost and I had nothing to lose but I lost everything. I wanted to vanish somewhere. But in all this I thought one day she will come back but that one day never came. Now she is happily married and I am happily single once again not in relationship, not in commitment and free. But it took me a long time to come out of it almost the same time three months the same period in which I was in relationship. And I will also tell you who helped me and how I overcame from all this heartbreak and meaningless life.


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