Saint by day, monster by night

How can I cheat God, it doesn’t feel right
Being a saint by day and monster by night
Killing my conscience byte after byte
It's all grey nor black, not white
Fantasies that take wild flight
Why do I keep losing this fight?
Am I trying to hide or  am I out of sight?
What happened to being salt and light?
Defeated by choice or by might?
I am no soldier and I am no knight
Jesus, it’s only You who can make me right
But I beg O! Lord please expedite
Its only in You, I want to delight.

Feelings

I wonder what a man will be without moods. How will he look, how distinguished he will be? Will the most commonly asked question “How are you?” will make any sense. Will we express ourselves fully. Or how will we practice all those virtues and emotions we describe everyday. Feelings are something we are wired with. Sometimes happy and other times sad? Some time relaxed and other time hurried? Some time enthusiastic and other time sick? and the list goes on and on. But I cannot imagine a person without moods he will sound or look just like a robot and I don't think he should be called human.

Source:http://www.crayonbeats.com/motel-eola-feelings/

However this feelings (our moods ) makes us and tells more about our character. One should know to take control of his moods otherwise he is called immature. So what’s the best thing and whats the wrong way. We can take two extremes when dealing with feelings. Either we can reject them or we can indulge completely in them. As I remember learnt from CS Lewis Any extreme love toward anything except extreme love to God can be dangerous. So we must not take any extreme but master the art of controlling those feelings. And thats what I think is known as “Self Control” but we all know the Bible categorize it as one the fruits of Spirit. Which basically means when we are controlled by Holy Spirit then only we can have Self control. Interesting logic but try it, trying keeping any virtue by your own strength sincerely for a longer period and you will find yourself failing, and try giving control to God and you will find yourself conquering all the impossible looking failures. I know most of Christians experience this in his day to day life, I just wrote this for my own remembrance as well for benefit for those who love to be reminded.

I just want to remind people who struggle with mood swings and think they fail again and again and they go through a guilt trip thinking they are worse creatures? People who think they cannot produce good feelings at all? People who suffer with bad feeling? Temptation(yielding to it) and facing other challenges?  I just want to remind you we are humans and we fall short and we are not perfect. And we are in the process of sanctification and not sanctified completely yet. Thus we all are in same boat “ under construction” and mind you! we will until Jesus comes the second time and we get glorified bodies.

So why do we keep doing what we don't want to and not doing what we are suppose to. I thought I could never answer this completely but recently saw the movie Rise of Guardians and in that Santa asks Jack Frost that what is at your core? By giving example using Matryoshka doll(Nested doll).

[North(Santa claus) is trying to explain to Jack what a "center" is, using a nesting doll. Jack takes it apart and sees at the center...]

Jack: (dryly) There's a tiny wooden baby.

North: Look closer. What do you see?

Jack: You have big eyes...

North: Yes! Big eyes, very big, because they are full of wonder. That is my center. It is what I was born with, eyes that have only seen the wonder in everything! Eyes that see lights in the trees and magic in the air. This wonder is what I put into the world, and what I protect in children. It is what makes me a guardian. It is my center, what is yours?

Jack: I don't know.(Source: wikimedia)

I really like the question of Santa that what is at your core? What makes you ? Who you are? And not once I have asked myself a lot of times what’s at my core? I found the answer is heart and Jesus says “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.” (Matthew 15:19) And I found that at core I am evil  separated from God. Or in other words dead, blind and wretched. And the problem of evil is that its not a problem but a mystery, as we are tied with it that its not something we just do externally but it have a source in our hearts. Its in our core, we were born sinners. Thats why God just don't want some time of us, some change from us, some behavioral change, or sacrifice but he simply wants us, so that He can change our core. Only He can do that because He created us and He alone knows the best why we are created and not only that the fuel we were suppose to run was nothing other than God. Thus He is creator(God who created us;Genesis 1:26), redeemer (He is our redemption and redeemer Job 19:25; Ps. 19:14; 78:35; Isa. 41:14; 43:14; Jer. 50:34, Galatians 3:13, Col. 1:25) and sustainer(Psalm 54:4) who lives in us. We serve this Trinity God in three head, Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Unless we allow God to change our core we cannot see any change in our lives.

Either the feelings controls you or you allow God to control you. If you come to God, He promise to give you a heart of flesh and new spirit(Ezekiel 11:19) and thus changing your core. And thus making you a new man. Yet choice remains to you? Will you allow him or not.

Love(failure) Story

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Love(failure) Story

So hope you enjoyed reading the previous parts of my story. If you have not read please read it here part one and part two.And today is one of the longest blog I ever wrote so please bear with me.Today’s reading may have adult content so if you think you are mature enough then only read this at your own risk ha-ha! Its better to be safe and to give a warning. But trust me it’s a good read and I hope you learn from what I want to say. Days passed, weeks passed months passed and then years passed until I met my first girlfriend (If she is reading I am sorry but I will not tell your name but I will just tell the story). And things started changing I have waited for this so long. I missed the pages or I don’t know where I kept them in which I wrote the description in which I fell in love with this girl. But I will not take too much time to share about her. See actually I also don’t know much about her because the relationship longed only for three months. She was three years elder or more than that. She was a very talkative girl and over friendly with anyone and everyone we become good friends and started talking over phone and via sms. Things were going pretty well until one day she poured out her heart and told me that she do not have parents and her current family have adopted her and they really don’t love her and shared all the difficulties she goes through all that and then she also shared that she have some weird disease I don’t know what but one thing I know it has something to do with the uterus and because of that disease she can never give birth to a baby.

And she is overweight and has several other diseases due to that problem. And I am not that good in medical science didn’t really care much what she said and what she meant. I wish I was more sincere in listening that. I felt that she is the right girl I was always wanted a partner who don’t want to have babies (I never thought I will get married and also if I get married not to have babies because according to me life was meaningless and full of problem therefore why to bring someone in such earth to again bear problems) I know many of you are thing how silly is that? But I was just nineteen years old what do you expect?
She was telling story in very emotional way almost pouring out all the troubles and she was crying over the phone and my heart was beating and I got emotional and I said those three magical words for the first time to a girl I slowly dared and whispered “I love you”. And she said I know she thought I am just being friendly to her but then I shocked her saying “I want to marry you”. Now that was serious she started explaining “no-no this cannot happen; how it is possible and all that blah blah!!!” But I was like a fool repeating the same thing I love you and I want the answer. Finally she said “yes”.
My world went upside down and I just jumped couldn’t sleep for few days and was talking and talking to her I don’t know about what. I was so happy I started announcing it here and there like a crazy man that cupid had shot me the arrow of love and I was in cloud9. I told my best friend and other friends about this. And I was so genuine and innocent that I even told my mom about it. It was like a dream come true. Because as you read previously this was the day I waited and anticipated for. Immediately my facebook status was changed to “committed” from “single”. But after few days everything went cold. I don’t know what happened to me. But still the excitement was very high and finally we planned a date for a movie hmm it was stupid movie though? I gave my diary in which I wrote my past as a gift to read I don’t know if she ever read it? And on the first date she kissed me. I was not ready for that. But now what we crossed the line but actually if I think the line was never drawn. I should not blame here completely because I myself was thinking about it and as you read in previous story the reason behind it. And after that moment every commitment was secondary for her and only thing that was in her mind was about physical
And later she came to my room and I cannot tell what happened but you know when a boy and a girl are alone in a room.(Though I clearly remember my roommate cautioned me and on other hand my best friend Ryan cautioned my saying “dude take care you might end up doing something wrong?”) Still I was a fool but what to do I was already in the mindset of doing it because I thought I will ultimately marry her? I couldn’t wait after that I started asking her to get married but she keep postponing it until she met her new boyfriend. But I still remember I didn’t know how I will manage this new relationship against all odds but still I wanted to marry her genuinely.
In all the relationship of three months I don’t even remember how many times I told her I love you but I clearly remember I never said I trust you. I actually never trusted her, I don’t know why? She asked me once that whether I trust my best friend or not I clearly said my best friend not you. I remember asking her many times whether she loves me or not and she use to say yes but when I asked why? I got no answer. I asked this question for two reasons one is to know whether she loves me or not and second I wanted to know the reason so that I can take it forward because for me it started becoming meaningless. I never really got to know her because she was not willing to continue the relationship. But when we were in this relationship it was never the way I thought about it for the whole life. I thought love was the ultimate answer of my weary life but here it broke me more miserable. I have always seen movies and read romantic fairy tales and fictions that people told me and I was convinced that love is that magic we all are ultimately waiting which is suppose to answer all our questions of our lives. But with me it didn’t answer any question of my life neither was I satisfied as I dreamed my whole life. Even being in relationship with her and talking to her about bright future and many things my mind was wandering and haunting me asking is this thought is ultimate answer in your life. My heart and mind were taking me to a toll asking why you are here? Rather than solving any quest of my life, this emotions threatened me because I was new because of this relationship I gave off many bad habits but leaving them I thought I will make good ones but failed because I was looking for meaning in all this but rather finding one I was taken away from it. Whenever she called me we never discussed life but only about physical intimacy after few days only words I use to utter was where are you? how are you? And I love you! and there was no meaning left in our discussions.   

In all this going in my mind and heart one day suddenly she says it is finished. I tried calling asking her what is finished but she said nothing. I called her and she stopped answering my call, stopped speaking to me. She never told me why? She never told what and how? Our relationship ended. And that was the most painful moment of my whole life. And as Dr. Ravi K Zacharias says “the loneliest moment in the life is when you have just experienced that which you thought would deliver the ultimate, and it has just let you down.”

I was bitterly lonely and didn’t know where to run? Whom should I go and why? I was betrayed, I was dumped that too without a reason. Without any explanation she left me alone saying “don’t call me anymore”. For many-many days I convinced myself that she is testing me or there is definitely an explanation to this maybe she needs some time. And I told stories and many other things to convince myself that she has not left me for real. But the truth was she was gone. Life was worse and it became worst. I hated the world so much already and now after knowing a girl to whom I thought I will get married; with whom I shared everything and she betrayed me I lost hope on love too. I was broken in pieces and ready to destroy. I was broken and lost and I had nothing to lose but I lost everything. I wanted to vanish somewhere. But in all this I thought one day she will come back but that one day never came. Now she is happily married and I am happily single once again not in relationship, not in commitment and free. But it took me a long time to come out of it almost the same time three months the same period in which I was in relationship. And I will also tell you who helped me and how I overcame from all this heartbreak and meaningless life.