Feelings

I wonder what a man will be without moods. How will he look, how distinguished he will be? Will the most commonly asked question “How are you?” will make any sense. Will we express ourselves fully. Or how will we practice all those virtues and emotions we describe everyday. Feelings are something we are wired with. Sometimes happy and other times sad? Some time relaxed and other time hurried? Some time enthusiastic and other time sick? and the list goes on and on. But I cannot imagine a person without moods he will sound or look just like a robot and I don't think he should be called human.

Source:http://www.crayonbeats.com/motel-eola-feelings/

However this feelings (our moods ) makes us and tells more about our character. One should know to take control of his moods otherwise he is called immature. So what’s the best thing and whats the wrong way. We can take two extremes when dealing with feelings. Either we can reject them or we can indulge completely in them. As I remember learnt from CS Lewis Any extreme love toward anything except extreme love to God can be dangerous. So we must not take any extreme but master the art of controlling those feelings. And thats what I think is known as “Self Control” but we all know the Bible categorize it as one the fruits of Spirit. Which basically means when we are controlled by Holy Spirit then only we can have Self control. Interesting logic but try it, trying keeping any virtue by your own strength sincerely for a longer period and you will find yourself failing, and try giving control to God and you will find yourself conquering all the impossible looking failures. I know most of Christians experience this in his day to day life, I just wrote this for my own remembrance as well for benefit for those who love to be reminded.

I just want to remind people who struggle with mood swings and think they fail again and again and they go through a guilt trip thinking they are worse creatures? People who think they cannot produce good feelings at all? People who suffer with bad feeling? Temptation(yielding to it) and facing other challenges?  I just want to remind you we are humans and we fall short and we are not perfect. And we are in the process of sanctification and not sanctified completely yet. Thus we all are in same boat “ under construction” and mind you! we will until Jesus comes the second time and we get glorified bodies.

So why do we keep doing what we don't want to and not doing what we are suppose to. I thought I could never answer this completely but recently saw the movie Rise of Guardians and in that Santa asks Jack Frost that what is at your core? By giving example using Matryoshka doll(Nested doll).

[North(Santa claus) is trying to explain to Jack what a "center" is, using a nesting doll. Jack takes it apart and sees at the center...]

Jack: (dryly) There's a tiny wooden baby.

North: Look closer. What do you see?

Jack: You have big eyes...

North: Yes! Big eyes, very big, because they are full of wonder. That is my center. It is what I was born with, eyes that have only seen the wonder in everything! Eyes that see lights in the trees and magic in the air. This wonder is what I put into the world, and what I protect in children. It is what makes me a guardian. It is my center, what is yours?

Jack: I don't know.(Source: wikimedia)

I really like the question of Santa that what is at your core? What makes you ? Who you are? And not once I have asked myself a lot of times what’s at my core? I found the answer is heart and Jesus says “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.” (Matthew 15:19) And I found that at core I am evil  separated from God. Or in other words dead, blind and wretched. And the problem of evil is that its not a problem but a mystery, as we are tied with it that its not something we just do externally but it have a source in our hearts. Its in our core, we were born sinners. Thats why God just don't want some time of us, some change from us, some behavioral change, or sacrifice but he simply wants us, so that He can change our core. Only He can do that because He created us and He alone knows the best why we are created and not only that the fuel we were suppose to run was nothing other than God. Thus He is creator(God who created us;Genesis 1:26), redeemer (He is our redemption and redeemer Job 19:25; Ps. 19:14; 78:35; Isa. 41:14; 43:14; Jer. 50:34, Galatians 3:13, Col. 1:25) and sustainer(Psalm 54:4) who lives in us. We serve this Trinity God in three head, Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Unless we allow God to change our core we cannot see any change in our lives.

Either the feelings controls you or you allow God to control you. If you come to God, He promise to give you a heart of flesh and new spirit(Ezekiel 11:19) and thus changing your core. And thus making you a new man. Yet choice remains to you? Will you allow him or not.

Crying for help...

Dear Daddy,

I am sorry for being away from You and not writing letters regularly. No, I am not here to give any excuse for me nothing is more important than You and Your love. If I have committed my life to You should I not live the life accordingly listening to You. I am not tuned and I am not listening I was behaving like the rebellious kid again, but soon I have realized I can't stay far from You and  remain joyful. Soon I lost enthusiasm in materialistic things; I was busy chasing some perishable things. I have given excuse of busyness and tied myself to work and other things but I forgot that if You are in control do I need to worry about them. Who gives me joy, strength, wisdom to live this life, for whom do I live. I am a kid and sometime(most of the time) I want to do something new and hurt myself, I am not saying I shouldn't be doing something new but I should definitely consult You, because You know best for me and have plans for me. I am very short sighted but I have faith in You and Your plans and I know You have planned it well.

So the above statements brings me to this conclusion that I should be spending more time with You everyday, need discipline and to give priority to You. But that too I cannot do without You. So I pray that You will guide me, help me in doing this. That You will remind me to seek You. That You will open my eyes and let me see the path You want me to walk. That You will give me wisdom to choose right thing at right time. That You will satisfy all my needs. That I can sing Psalm 23 everyday joyfully. That I will meditate on Your word and gain wisdom and life. That I will give You praise day and night without ceasing. That I can hide Your word in my heart that I will not sin against You. Teach me and be with me always that by my ways You will be glorified. That I will not go astray but as an obedient son always walk in righteous way.

The time I have not followed You, I have failed, failed miserably but we live by faith and get up and seek Your face again. And in Your mercy and grace we have just found Your unconditional love and have not thought about the wrath. But we know we have not seen the wrath because Your Son Jesus have paid for our sins completely and because of Him alone we are forgiven. I don't want to misuse the grace and live a sinful life. God I know You love me abundantly my prayer is just that help me to overcome all my problems and seek Your face in all circumstance.

Your disobedient and unfaithful son,

Shushant

Confession...

Today I want to tell you about my struggles I mostly try to hide it but not today maybe some other day. Yes I am a Christian and I love God but does it mean I am sinless, no in fact I want to let you know before knowing Christ I even didn't know what is Sin. I was in darkness and I was blind how can I know I am wrong if I have no idea what wrong is. What if I always thought that darkness is light.

But now I know God and He gave me new life and gave me new eyes, I am not blind anymore I can see and understand right and wrong in reflection of His light, with help of His Word and I know what sin is. But knowing sin or understanding it doesnt solve the problem. We have to struggle everyday to sin less. As one my friend wrote in a blog that we can't be sinless but can we sin less. But what if I try and every time fall short and commit sin again and again. But what can we do, should we take God as granted or give up everything in God’s hand and look for His help. Knowing well that I cannot handle this in my own strength I give the full control to God. Ya its hard and difficult but only thing after failing and going through guilt trip I console myself by knowing well that God is sovereign and in full control therefore no matter how many times I fail He still loves me and is willing to forgive me.

I know you must be thinking what is this and why am I sharing this with you. One is I confessing my sins to God before everyone because I want to repent genuinely and let you all guys know that I am a sinner, a failure but still I rely on God’s mercy and grace and Jesus loves us. No matter what wrong we have done, He is willing to help us. He came to save us from sin. And we can sin less if we keep each other accountable and the best thing about Christianity I don't have to pretend. I accept my weakness and ask God to help when I am struggling with the battle of spirit and flesh.

Lesson from children

source: revasantry.wordpress.com

I have shared with you before also that I struggle in being still. So every sunday I do something or other, so this sunday our church had Young couple's fellowship( A marriage seminar organised by our church) and I also went to K-22 our church office. No not for attending marriage counselling but to take care of children. To help Debbie, Madhavi aunty, Neelima di and Jacob bhaiya. Most interesting period and it was second time I was doing this activity voluntarily for church.

What's the catch? Have you heard if you want to learn, try teaching. Well I learned by observing. So this children were having pastries when I reached, quite peaceful time but soon the rush started when they started pushing each other, not eating pastry completely and started shouting water- water. Then Debbie told them story of Joseph. And as activity they had to make the Joseph's colorful coat. And it was fun to see how everyone made it but some were doing but after half they left others just didn't wanted to do the same. And then we moved to story telling, there same thing was repeated. And we kept on shouting to make them quiet. We tried telling whoever will do good will get chocolate and all tricks just to keep them engaged. Every minute we have to keep eye on them, keep on repeating same mistake and we kept trying and trying and shouting and guiding them. Not only the motive was to keep them engaged but also to keep them safe from getting hurt.
And midst of all this I was observing them carefully and suddenly I started thinking what I can learn out of this and what should I observe. You know we learn a lot from observing. And the lesson that I learnt yesterday was we are like those small children and God the Father the guardian who is looking after us day and night without fail because He knows even for a minute if He stops looking at us everything will go haywire. And I really marvel at God and I always I think that how patient God is with me(us). When I was looking at those little children not listening to their teacher who was leading they were making so much of noise and doing whatever they want not paying attention not able to understand what's going on? I was just scratching my head and time and again patiently, compassionately tried my best with a smile and care tried to tell them that listen to teacher.
The hardest thing for a kid to do is to be quiet and listen and obey. Ah! They are hyperactive they want to do things, if nothing jumping here and there and hoping and popping, shouting and screaming, dancing and singing. So am I against any of this activity or a parent/teacher against any of this activity? No! but there is a time and place to do the right thing at right time. But they don’t want to listen to the guardian’s instruction,they will mess up things and go nowhere. And only thing to make this correct we have to shout loudly and when everyone is quiet and listening everything suddenly start falling in place and we enjoy everything one by one every activity; whether it is jumping, singing or dancing.( On other hand God don't shout on us but gently whisper in our ears).
Same is true in our lives we are energetic and enthusiastic and we have so many plans and so much strength and we must execute those plans and use our strengths somewhere. Now same here not all the activities are wrong and not even the intentions but whats wrong is the order and priority we often mess up in this area. And I am sure you must have experienced this in your lives too that when you exhaust every single plan and broken you go to God (Head Guardian) and you surrender everything under his feet and then you start listening to Him everything falls in place automatically. Only requirement in both the situations are same that we must be still and listen and act accordingly so that everything have a meaning. Be still and Know that I am God.(Psalm 46:10)

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.(Proverbs 16:9).Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.(Proverbs 19:21) No matter how many plans and actions we sought its ultimately the purpose of Lord that shall be done. Then should we not stop and ask the Author and Perfector of faith and lives to guide us in His ways.....

My story continues....

source: http://www.123rf.com

This is continuation of my life story hope you enjoyed the last part if you have not read please read it here. Last time I told you about my life till I joined a BPO then there I learned computer and then switched my job to another call center and from there I joined Wipro and then I joined Novatium the current place I am working in as IT support executive.

This was my education and professional background of what I studied and my career. Now I will tell you about my relationships. Ah! Don’t worry I don’t have many girlfriends to mention but lets see. As a kid I never got much attention because my Dad passed away early and to support the family Mom had to work day and night but my grandma use to love me a lot and taught me many things. But slowly I was exposed to the world and as I told I was very weak in socializing I think because I was a domestic person loved to stay indoors maybe because of fear.
But things changed when I went to school. No sooner I was twelve years old love, sex and girlfriends and relationships were our favorite topics to discuss about. Love is at core of every human we all hunger for relationship. I was out in hostel by this age and close relationship was my friends but we were taught to love ourselves and nothing else. But thankfully the hostel was only boys’ hostel so no chance of having girls to date but that too was dangerous. Because of that something worse happened due that.

As scriptures says “For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret” Ephesians 5:12. I did every wrong thing possible. But it all began within. As a small in school some senior students were really immoral and they molested and raped us and I was one of the victims of such horrible thing. And it really tore me apart and I use to feel like animal and helpless during that period. Many people have good memory of childhood but mine was filled with pain. Rather than hating these things I also loved sexual immorality and waited to do wrong with others. Its such shameless thing even to write here many of you would have never imagined that a Christian blog will say all this but its my life a true story no matter how hopeless it is.
I was misguided and misinformed about sex from childhood. I also write this so that parents will make sure that speak to their children about sex and sexuality at right age because we Indians think that’s not important but mind you sir its very important.
Then I always longed to be loved and thought that once I am done with my schooling in hostel I go out I will make a girlfriend and share my life and love with her. This was my dream from very young age. I was rebel against all the odds but longing was not for girlfriend but for relationship and understanding. Because no one really understands you until he really loves you. Of course my Mom loved my but we had little time to spend and then my mind being corrupt I was longing for sex too. A girlfriend was supposed to meet all my desires physical and emotional. Trust me when you don’t know where you are going and what is the purpose of life you have such weird plans in your mind.
I moved from hostel to High school here in Delhi thinking to have a girlfriend but no change here again I was in Rajkiya Sarvodaya Bal Vidyalaya(Govt Boys school) and here I got good friends who were very supportive but all very weak in studies just like me and I became more dull. So two years again without chance. Then came job aha here no scene of boys only but then again here it was “ek anar so bimar” that means the ratio was like 50:1 and where do you think I would be. I was youngest and good looking but had nothing; nothing means no money, no bike and no good job to impress girls. Now when my friends will read this no one would ever believe that I thought like this because they all know me as a decent guy. But its only me and my evil mind that knows who actually I am. Next post I will reveal my small love (failure) story.

Growing in relationship

Dear Daddy,
Today I am writing from my daily struggle and what I am feeling and emotionally what I am going through. Today I want to really share what's going on!

I read too much and reflect a little and end up doing nothing. Taking a break and thinking about doing nothing. Nothing is more painful than doing nothing. What should I legitimately replace nothing with. I have struggled with issue of doing everyday. I am never satisfied with my doing no matter what I do?

All words jumbled here keeps me puzzled and end of the day unsatisfied? Then what must I do. I planned four major things to do this year and trying to do that. But somehow I am missing the main thing of my life which is spending some real time with God.By real time I mean intentional a quality quiet time with stillness of my mind. So today I want to write this letter for asking God to help me in this area first. As the scripture says in Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well”. Interesting verse isn't it? We all know its mandate from You and walk according to Your will. But Dad I have gone astray in all the hustle bustle of life trying to perform rather than seeking Your face; I have made this journey wearisome. But the moment I am quiet and still and I reflect on You and Your Word my heart is rejuvenated  and I restore all my hope and my heart starts rejoicing in You. And I long for such moments and when I think of eternal life that You promised me, I just wonder how will it be? It will be combination of such small moments and only about You.
And interestingly I want to thank You for the new challenges like my job, relationship with family, responsibilities that You have added and financial pressure. My studies and BTCL in midst of all this storms I want to say no matter how much challenges I face its You who give me strength and I become more confident and courageous due to all this and really praise You. In all this I see Your loving hand  helping me to be peaceful and look towards You. I am amazed how You work through our imperfect lives towards perfect plan which You have planned. How nothing absolutely nothing comes between You and me in this journey. I really amazed with the faith I have in You. But when I read Your Word and understand that how much You love me everything else become so small that it looks worthless thinking and discussing about it. But God teach me to strive to grow in relationship with You because thats what I must do. I want to know You, know You more than ever I have known. I want to understand Your will so that I can work and do only what You love. As a father delights when son is willing to know about him and his business so do You feel right God. And as Your word says Draw closer to me and I will come near to you. (James 4:8) I am confident that You keep Your covenant but give me grace that I keep mine.

Your loving son,
Shushant

More than this Monday: Patience

“The first virtue in a soldier is endurance of fatigue; courage is only the second virtue.”
-Napoleon Bonaparte
The hardest thing for me to do is to wait and watch and do nothing. Though I am not impatient as a person if you meet me. I like to wait for hours, I can wait for almost anything, as I don't have preference on many things like taste, clothing, touring, reading, listening or any form of activity but when it comes to work and clarity of doing things I pretty much get impatient and I can't wait.
The first and most difficult virtue in following Christ I found is patience. I have waited a lot in search of this Truth, and this True God whom I know now and that is because of His grace and He chose me. Why its hard for me to wait. I like to work and to perform and get control over things like any normal person would do. But Why we have to wait? For what I must wait?  and why is it hard to wait? But we know Patience is one of the vital virtues of Christianity which we must posses. I have been patient to know His will and His calling for my life.I have been waiting from day one to know what must I do for him? Because before the journey began I was a wanderer but now I know where to go. Journey continues but still I don't know what exactly I have to do? Where I have to go I know but enduring the waiting period is really hard. Currently I feel like the Israelite in Egypt or maybe on the journey towards the promised land. At that time they really had nothing to do think of it there was a time when manna was provided from heaven, as I picture this what they must have been really doing in that particular time. I cannot imagine a day without work and they have to just believe. I recognize myself with them there was temptation to murmur and grumble among ourselves and to think to return to egypt. But God was teaching them to trust in Him in all the circumstance. Look at Moses and Joshua at contrast they were confident on the Living God they knew He is fulfilling the promise He made to their forefather Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. They had trust on His power and His love. God was always with them. Therefore the journey may seem to be weary without action but at the end you must understand in all this journey God was the lead and He fought all the battles and obstacles until they entered the promise land. Should not we be like Moses and Joshua to trust in Him and His promises.

And I remember what God commanded Joshua at the time they were about to enter the promise land “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid;do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” Joshua 1:9. Amazing isn't it when you have the King of Kings and Lord of Lords leading you, do you not be discouraged, afraid or be weak and weary?

Are you also waiting for something?