Yes, I am a convert

Enough hitting around the bush I have been telling you boring stories of my past but actually I was telling you the hardships I went through it was actually the bad phase of my life. How I failed in all areas of my life. My life, career, education, philosophy of life, love and many other which I will keep telling you. (If you have not read all underlined words have hyper link to related posts you can read them)

I was hopeless, meaningless and at many stages I thought no one cares for me and its better to die. Many of you will be shocked, in past I dreamt about committing suicide every day and use to plan simple and quick painless death. I thought I am worthless and I cannot do anything. And few times I cannot do anything. And few times I use to write silly things but I was just in a viscous cycle of life-problems-sex-drugs-abuse-death though I never abused drugs or took alcohol but still I use to think that way. Trust me life was meaningless. I use to feel like a bond slave of pleasure and pain. And mostly pain and pleasures meant just ways to escape pain partly but temporary achievements. But I must mention one of the G.K Chesterton's quotes Dr. Ravi Zacharias uses “Meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain, meaninglessness comes from being weary of pleasure.” But when you are exhausted by every kind of pleasure and you have found nothing, no pleasure can really satisfy us. I didn't knew sin and satan are real at that time. But I felt the burden of evil and suffering all around and it was visible in my life because I was not able to sleep at all, every time I tried to sleep this questions haunted me, where am I going? Who am I? where am I? what do I want? and who can save me? What is love? Is it for real? what is real? is that for me and questions with no end. And as I told I was blind having no idea of reality. The darkness was not just around it was within. Therefore everything was dark. Black no light, no life and no hope.

What was life - get up, go to office meet silly people, make friends to just use them for selfish gain and just to kill some time, talk about money and sex thats all. Come home no sleep, questions of purpose and meaning haunting you day and night. Mind was never at rest. Always baffled with what is right and what is wrong? Am I moving in right direction? But question was where am I going. I didn't knew that problem was not outside but was within, there was no way coming out of it. The problem of evil is its not a problem but a mystery we cannot fully understand as we are part of it. We have to come to semi-transcendental point where we can know about the problem but not resolve it ultimately. Consider we are in dark room and there is no light; can we understand that we are in darkness? Similarly its not that sin is all around and we cant see it, we are blindfolded and also responsible for sin and are in sin therefore we cannot always see ourselves as sinner and whenever someone tries to tell us about the same our first response is aren't you a man like me how can you call me a sinner? As Vivekananda says its sin to call a man sinner? But there is a problem in this are we implying there is no such thing as sin? No darkness? But its really cant you see but how can we know darkness exists because light exists and then how do we know about sin because we have broken the law given by God. God is that light which let me know there is something as bright and dark, Good and evil.

Then I tell you how I met God? The above things of good and bad. About Meaning and hope, light, and about life. This was all secondary in my life. The most important thing that was going on my head was this, you might have heard this quote “ Every human longs to be understood, and loved” and also I remember every body needs forgiveness a second chance and I was longing for this mainly. And I told you about my love(failure) story that how I searched it in wrong places and in wrong person and failed miserably that I started doubted the existence of such thing known as love. And I was so broken and meaningless that I had no purpose and virtue left to live for.

And I met Ryan my friend at IGNOU where we both were studying BCA and he told me about Jesus in the way no one really told me ever before, as I never read before. And also met Aveek who made me think through scriptures and through what I though scriptures but are mythologies. More than that Ryan took me to Church and where I found the body of Christ and His love through the body. For the first time I found love in this family. And then I started reading Bible and the words of Bible ans specially words of Jesus were making a lot of sense and it were giving new meaning to my life. Everything Jesus said was opposite of what I have learned in past. It was challenging me to think deeper and His words give me new meaning in my life. His words changed the definition of God and He became my best friend. His words were only escape from this boring, monotonous life. I was understanding that what does it mean to human. I started get answers of my questions of who am I? Why I am here? What is love? Who made us? And why God made us? And not only that I got answers by I started experiencing the love God more an more in my every day life. I learned and started practicing faith and by faith knowing this God whom I love. In Jesus I found that friend who answered all my questions, who knows me completely and who was willing to forgive me. I then experienced God and understood what is sin and how it separated me from God and His love and how I have rebelled against Him. And how I have become proud and thus how I was responsible for the miserable condition of my life. But Jesus was willing to forgive me and how He gave me this second chance to live this life again, a fresh start, a new beginning and giving eternal hope. His(Jesus') life,death and resurrection was central of my life and this was great plan of God to save mankind and thus not only that it is written in scripture but Holy Spirit explained and I experienced it in my day to day life and it gave me breakthrough from the viscous circle of life-problems-sex-drugs-abuse-death and Jesus' word “ I am the WAY and the TRUTH and the LIFE and no one comes to Father except through me” John 14:6 is the sentence which shook me completely and because of this I gave my life to Him.

The day I gave life was also normal, bur exta-ordinary in other sense. Many think the conversion or when people telling their testimonies always have something super miraculous but I dont think it was the case with me. So this was an ordinary day I was hanging out with Aveek, Ashish and Ryan on late friday night and Aveek told me that you cannot serve two masters and you cannot love two different persons at sametime calling them your lord. He told me to chose, chose between Jesus and all other and in next post I will also share my journal entry in which I mentioned the same. Question was there I was asked to chose. Chose between Jesus and all that I have believed last 20 years and that was something I was not prepared for. It was time to take a stand. As I read somewhere “If you dont stand for anything, then you will fall for anything”. And I realize that how crucial that choice was. Some of my friends always said in office that Christians are made they convert people and then ask to throw all the idols out of the home and they ask them to disbelieve all other things and they ask you to change your religion. In midst of all this I never thought I will change my religion, but wait a second religion, you have read(My school of thoughts) what I thought then. It was a choice that I have to make and which will really change everything in my life. And it did. So what do you think what I chose. I chose Jesus and that changed my life. All this journey really began from thus although journey goes back to the beginning because ultimately History is His-story which we are small parts. All my posts are example of what I have experienced and lived my life since then. And you all know my life have never been the same again and yes everyday changing. And I will continue to share my journey experience.

P.S. Title was an inspiration by Anand Mahedevan http://www.outlookindia.com/article.aspx?238770

My School of thoughts part two

 {You read what I use to think here in part one. Here comes the second part.}

My values were self made like well known thinkers; wherever I will found benefit I will take the argument from there and shift the ally towards it and use it. For example eating Non-veg I would say Muslims they eat it always what's wrong in that or when it would come about reincarnation I would explain it with Hinduism and so on and on. I would follow anything that suited me best. Later my teachers some atheists did try to damage my beliefs but was not able to do so. Because he believed there is nothing supernatural and I believed there is only One whom or which I know not and understand not but the one above. And later my problems were so big sometime I doubted whether really God exist or not. But I was agnostic open to arguments but a hidden pantheist believing somewhere someone must be there otherwise it doesn’t make sense. Astrology, numerology, palmistry were some believes I loved to play with but never believed them to be true. I hated all the rules and laws given and that would really make me go away and hide somewhere and think if God really exists?

God for me was like a man made genie to which I went only in the time of need, asking for something and saying in return I will do something good, behave good, fast or visit a pilgrimage that too naked feet and so on. He was like someone who was like a vending machine take some offering of sacrifice and murmur the mantras controlling the magical words like passwords only difference you have to enter it at least for 108 times then your wish might be answered. Whether he answers or not I had the right to get angry on him even for creating me. If created why not in good home with riches and all provision why so many trouble. One hand I doubt whether he existed or not and on other I blamed him for everything.

And I use to think and doubt whether God is an idea or person. Because in faith that I was raised everything absolutely everything is god or there is a god in it. We worshiped handmade idols of woods, stones and wax and anything. I was taught nature: wind, water, trees and animals are to be worshiped because there are gods in it. For everything there is god even for rain, land, wisdom, health, wealth and no matter what and keep on pleasing them to get them. Like a shopping mall just keep offering work and praises and get whatever you desire, but for what just to live the life and after that die and become an animal once again. For some times I use to believe in this idea and got convinced that this god is just a power and nothing else. That’s the difference for me god was just an idea. And at other times I was baffled with question of salvation and the question of life after death and problem of evil all around. I had unknown, thousands of question which were unanswered by any of the faith I tried. This god was my idea or just my creation; I never thought who the real creator is? Question of my purpose of my life was unanswered? My origin was that I am evolved from monkeys and I believed it. And I defined my own morality whatever I feel right is good and whatever I feel wrong is wrong. How good it is and a good escape from any form or question of sin? (Infact the word sin and its implication came much later after knowing Jesus and laws of God).

But when I use to be in a big mess and lot of problem; I really use to cry out to this unknown God whom I doubted and knew not that time that please tell me why I am here? I longed to know many many questions which troubled me day and night but as I never found them very interesting than my passing life I kept them under the blanket and tried to hide them behind my cunning face until I was completely exhausted. Somewhere I was searching for the truth and this hidden God, whom I knew not? For a Savior whom I knew not? For a messiah who will give me life? For a person who will love me? For a creator who will answer all my questions; One who will tell me why He created me and what does He want from me?

You know what I will tell you I found all this in my Savior and my Lord Jesus Christ whom I follow and I will also tell you how, just wait for the next few posts.

My school of thoughts

So far I hope you read about my life career, education and also about my
love life now I will tell you about my philosophy (my school of thought). What shaped my view on religion and what was my theology before knowing Christ and also all my stories I told you are off course meeting Christ I am giving you brief background before telling Why I followed Jesus and How it that encounter has changed my life. This are my personal thoughts and I am not writing any hate speech or anything bad against any religion or belief but this are my personal reflections on them, so if you are hurt by any of my such writing I sincerely request him not to take it personally but rather think deeper on same.
I was born In Hindu family so off course naturally I was informed about the Hindu mythology of Ramayana, Mahabharata, Vedas, puranas and also about so many deities which I still don’t know the exact number. And as a small kid without much questioning I followed because my parents followed. But later when I started growing and going to school and started thinking my view changed and I was exposed to secular world and so many religions and so many school of thoughts along with those religions; each with their own explanations about life and god and goddesses. Difficult to know which one is right. I was born rebel against anything and everything. I am both stubborn and rebellious from childhood for everything single thing I demanded explanation and reason. I hated some silly and awkward rules my parents and friends told me as common as not touching food with left hand, not playing with scissors or two metal sticks, not writing on ground and I don’t know what and unless someone gave me answer which would satisfy me I would go crazy and do it unless you give me a proper reason.
I studied blind faith from books like sati, child marriage, untouchability, caste system though many reformers have already eradicated this long back but when I studied my mind really made me think if this are abolished why can’t other illogical ones can be done away with? But too small to argue with anyone else except my mom and she use to say we never asked our parents why do you ask? Asking too many questions was also not allowed.
As I grew bigger I was convinced with secularism which our country practices and I am thankful for same. Perfect example of Unity in Diversity and didn’t try to dig deeper in the subject of religion and faith but always had perfect arguments against blind faith. I took interest in understanding Islam with help of some friends kept Ramzan fast called “Roza”. Hinduism in itself is so large never understood it completely and land by land the deity changes that its even difficult to remember all the stories and names. For every single thing they have a god or goddesses. Then as I told you my Mom married late in 2007 in a sikh family there I was exposed to Sikhism for some time. I tried understand that too visited gurudwaras and heard their stories and what they preach. But after all this search I was thinking I am Mr. Know it all, who know everything and he is multicultural and a true Indian and I was proudly a pantheist. But reality is I know nothing about any of this religion and I am jack of all trades. In next part we will talk more about same... till then keep thinking.