Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My School of thoughts part two

 {You read what I use to think here in part one. Here comes the second part.}

My values were self made like well known thinkers; wherever I will found benefit I will take the argument from there and shift the ally towards it and use it. For example eating Non-veg I would say Muslims they eat it always what's wrong in that or when it would come about reincarnation I would explain it with Hinduism and so on and on. I would follow anything that suited me best. Later my teachers some atheists did try to damage my beliefs but was not able to do so. Because he believed there is nothing supernatural and I believed there is only One whom or which I know not and understand not but the one above. And later my problems were so big sometime I doubted whether really God exist or not. But I was agnostic open to arguments but a hidden pantheist believing somewhere someone must be there otherwise it doesn’t make sense. Astrology, numerology, palmistry were some believes I loved to play with but never believed them to be true. I hated all the rules and laws given and that would really make me go away and hide somewhere and think if God really exists?
God for me was like a man made genie to which I went only in the time of need, asking for something and saying in return I will do something good, behave good, fast or visit a pilgrimage that too naked feet and so on. He was like someone who was like a vending machine take some offering of sacrifice and murmur the mantras controlling the magical words like passwords only difference you have to enter it at least for 108 times then your wish might be answered. Whether he answers or not I had the right to get angry on him even for creating me. If created why not in good home with riches and all provision why so many trouble. One hand I doubt whether he existed or not and on other I blamed him for everything.
And I use to think and doubt whether God is an idea or person. Because in faith that I was raised everything absolutely everything is god or there is a god in it. We worshiped handmade idols of woods, stones and wax and anything. I was taught nature: wind, water, trees and animals are to be worshiped because there are gods in it. For everything there is god even for rain, land, wisdom, health, wealth and no matter what and keep on pleasing them to get them. Like a shopping mall just keep offering work and praises and get whatever you desire, but for what just to live the life and after that die and become an animal once again. For some times I use to believe in this idea and got convinced that this god is just a power and nothing else. That’s the difference for me god was just an idea. And at other times I was baffled with question of salvation and the question of life after death and problem of evil all around. I had unknown, thousands of question which were unanswered by any of the faith I tried. This god was my idea or just my creation; I never thought who the real creator is? Question of my purpose of my life was unanswered? My origin was that I am evolved from monkeys and I believed it. And I defined my own morality whatever I feel right is good and whatever I feel wrong is wrong. How good it is and a good escape from any form or question of sin? (Infact the word sin and its implication came much later after knowing Jesus and laws of God).
But when I use to be in a big mess and lot of problem; I really use to cry out to this unknown God whom I doubted and knew not that time that please tell me why I am here? I longed to know many many questions which troubled me day and night but as I never found them very interesting than my passing life I kept them under the blanket and tried to hide them behind my cunning face until I was completely exhausted. Somewhere I was searching for the truth and this hidden God, whom I knew not? For a Savior whom I knew not? For a messiah who will give me life? For a person who will love me? For a creator who will answer all my questions; One who will tell me why He created me and what does He want from me?
You know what I will tell you I found all this in my Savior and my Lord Jesus Christ whom I follow and I will also tell you how, just wait for the next few posts.

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