Thursday, March 28, 2013

A selfmade man

You must have heard this from lot of people’s mouth that they have chose their own lifestyle and whatever they are they made it. They were independent and took no help from anyone to grow and they have toiled day and night to chase their custom made dream and have reached there alone.
Before meeting Christ I was same, because of my lifestyle and my story you read that how I was born with silver no spoon in my mouth and how my mom and I survived those hard times. And then I was sent to a hostel where they fed me only one thing that no one stands for you and you have to make your own destiny with your own hands. An old greek thought that comes to my mind is “God only help them, who help themselves” therefore we must help ourselves. Lets decide what I want to and let no one tell what I should do? Those are the lines you must have heard many times.
Slowly something within me was telling me my way is the right way. I have the ability to chose, decide, create my own destiny. I was greedy and I wanted everything. I was utterly selfish and always thought what benefit I can get out of anything and everything. Nothing absolutely nothing bothered me until my ego, my comfort, my pleasure, my job, my freedom was not hurt. The moment you come between any of those I will start getting made and try to run away or change the situation anyhow and mostly I have found myself running away.
I chose my comfort in all situations even if I have to pay a cost of my Mom’s hardship or at expense of anyone else; I always enjoyed and tried to forget everything. I was irresponsible all the times and never took responsibility of anything including my life because I never thought about others therefore I never drew a line between right and wrong because for me everything that favors me is right and everything that contradicts my thoughts are wrong. And I was proud, very proud of my worldly wisdom( my world created by I, me and myself where I was the king and I was the subject), of my thoughts and rules, of my rebellious and different nature, of my achievements and all things I ever knew. And in that proud I forgot there is world outside me. For me my world was revolving around me.
I was trapped there, because sometimes I had questions and difficulties when I tried to involve in others live or they tried to peep in. For me to come out of my world and submit to theirs was difficult because I had to be vulnerable for same. There I lack the quality of being relational and understand relationships with other people because I don’t knew how to love. Because to love means to be vulnerable and I was trapped in my world and never allowed some to come in. Because some where I was afraid that you know if I take their help later they should not say that we helped him to reach there; after all I am and I want to remain a selfmade man. I don’t want to depend on anyone no matter for good or bad, I will make my destiny by hook or crook. I am independent, rebellious person, and there is a big banner on my head I am a selfmade product please don’t try to change and challenge. In the race of going up I blamed, screamed, adjusted, moved, and did all sought of things just to prove that I am me!
Sometime I just wanted to be unique and for being unique and to get some attention I will to weird and offbeat things? And sometime they will be like doing things without asking anyone I still have those habits, like reading between the lines, doing extra things, reading the extra page and being smart and stuff which will always attract trouble and then I will curse myself doing so. Sometimes being unique doesn’t mean that you are right. Sometime it should be plainly accepted that you are stubborn and rebel and don’t want to give away your title of selfmade man and want to rejoice I did it! I did it! But sooner or later you understand even if you reach at top or achieve the success you run for when you will see back there will be no one around to whom you will be telling the story and saying I did it! Its me the selfmade man! There will be no one except I, me and myself?

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