Journey Update

I have not told you of my where about from a loooooooong time. Honestly I have not come back and revived my blog and I have left it orphaned from ages. But lets get back to business. I am not here to tell you folks, that I am back, perhaps I am just here to announce, work is still in progress.

So lets get back to journey, today I want to tell you about my journey update again. So honestly it’s the mode or the time where the traveler is in desert, he is feeling lost, he is not sure if he took the wrong turn. He is not finding any signboards, he is tired, thirsty, hungry and just trying his level best to come back on the highway. But nothing seems to be working, he is stuck in a desert for long time, idea of direction, and progress are meaningless, all you can see is vast ocean of sand and sand alone. Not a single human soul, but only few fellow travelers who are also wandering, they feel the same way I feel but yet it seems we are on very different journeys.

The traveler is longing for joy, love and peace. He is longing for someone who will understand and walk along with him, speak to him and encourage him to carry on even when it is tough to know where he is heading and what lies ahead. Not that he knows not where he is going but right now, he is weak that his brain is not functioning properly. The weather and the stand storms of the desert are life threatening, and the traveler is long struck in this desert and he forgot the count of the number of storms he have faced here.

Is there a hope for traveler, off course there is because some one said not all wanderers are lost. The traveler is not willing to give up, because he is sure of the help; he knows the way he have chosen is not wrong and surely he desires the destination more than his life. And surely help will come from above. It might take sometime, some wear and tear, some lessons to be learned, the traveler must discipline and learn new thing on this adventure ride. Definitely he learned few, but right now he is feeling so lost that those lessons are mere lessons and he is starting to feel what a wise man said long ago, vanity of vanity, everything is vanity under the sun. He is realizing that how everything is meaningless under the sun. He is crying out for help, he is crying out to his creator that he will open his eyes and show him the highway again, to help him not to give up the journey. To strengthen the weakened knees. To help him not to doubt himself, or his choice of the journey. The traveler knows he started journey because of his crazy love towards his Master. And he can die but not give up on traveling. But I must tell you even in the midst of the desert there are few thing very significant. The traveler never ran out of food or of clothes or of any basic need, far more than that whenever he cried for any such thing. He suffered no serious illness other than what normally one faces in a desert. He is healthy, wealthy and well taken care of. Only thing he wants to do is to find the way out again and come back and walk on the highway.

Because the Lord of traveler says to him: "He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength." (Isaiah 40:29) The traveler truly waits upon  his Lord to renew his strength.

Letter to God: Cry for help

Dear Dad,

I am reminded of Your word which says “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way;” Isaiah 53:6 and I surely believe if we are not depending on You, we are going nowhere but astray. Surely Lord, as I review my previous year, look into my prayer log, I have found the year is spent in crying and lamenting but I see no efforts really taken to come back to You and seek Your help, although I have cried a lot but all seem to say, “God help me” but it felt like I still want to be in control, but as I gear up and hear from You and the message that we heard on Sunday about letting go, of giving our lives to You, and I want to honestly want to live for You and in Your strength, I cant do this on my own.  I am tired of going astray, I surely need to realign my life to the Shepherd, I want to lay down all the distractions, I want to bring everything to altar that is becoming hindrance for me to reach and hear the voice of my Shepherd.

Honestly speaking Dadda, I find myself in midway and I don't even know which way to go? Lost sheep knows nothing but helpless cries out to the Shepherd and that’s all I do. But deep down I know my Shepherd is nearby and He is more concerned about me than I am? He loves me, He cares for me, He calls me by my name, He gives me rest, He is the good Shepherd whom David describes in Psalm 23. I know my help is near, I just pray that I will meet my deliverer soon, I wait in a dry and thirsty land for Your visit.

But I can depend upon You and I want to end the letter with the words of the Psalmist who says.” I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments.” Psalm 119: 176

Your son,

Shushant

Travel update 2013 and 2014 plans

Hello Readers,

    I am sorry for not being posting after my last post about such a weird topic and I never came back and told you why I took the break and why this silence.

    So many things took place but the most of the time I was busy with my exams in the month of December. Ok you might ask what exams?, I am doing in my Graduation through correspondence and it should hopefully finish by this year and I will be a graduate after a long wait.

    So last year was really a roller coaster ride but it was fun. So telling you about the journey as lets not forget we are on the journey. I have come closer to God and walked this narrow path only with help of God. But last two months have been most dramatic months for me because a lot of thing was changing and I met a friend from another country who changed my vision. Or lets say pushed me into a new dimension and made me realise that I have potential to do more than I am currently doing. That person made me think a lot more deeper which have really-really made me think about my Calling as well. So here it is a secret, we call this journey a journey of faith, this spiritual journey is bit different from the journeys we take here on earth. You know when we plan a trip we know where we are going, how we are going, what are the expenses, what are the consequence, what are we taking along and many other stuff we know about all things together but when it comes to journey of faith you know the ultimate destination but at current how to walk, where to go, what to do, what to take, how to do, what all we will need nothing is fixed, nothing is visible but you know what this journey is not about me, the traveler is a follower therefore he is bound to follow his Master in all the ways.

    So this journey of faith is very adventurous because you know only one step at a time, it takes lot of courage and patience to be on this journey, but trust me its fun to trust God and to walk after Him. Think of God, He is your Father, He knows everything, He is omniscient, He knows end from the beginning and He can see all things. He knows what you are going to do and what's best for you. But sometimes it becomes very very hard to walk after Him, sometimes frustrating because sometimes He takes you even through the valleys of death, sometimes He brings you to a dead end and you are lost and confused.(But I am always reminded its one step at a time, remember when Moses lead the Israelites from egypt to promise land they hit the Read sea and everyone thought thats dead end(also the egyptian army was coming from other end) and started grumbling but Moses who trusted God knew that “God will make a way” and the red sea was parted).{You can read the story in Exodus 13,14}

    From the day when journey of faith began I have been asking and waiting for God to lead me, this year I strongly believe God is going to make a way and make things new for me. The promise that I think I received this year is

“Forget the former things;

   do not dwell on the past.

 See, I am doing a new thing!

   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

   and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18-19)

Source:mostpato.deviantart.com

And I am excited and thrilled to follow God and its amazing to follow this God and His ways are definitely higher than ours. And I will trust in his promises and specially the one which says:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart

   and lean not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways submit to him,

   and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 

So it seems to be an exciting year ahead, I am planning to learn a lot, read a lot, write a lot. I don't know if I will publish all of them but sure to keep you updated and share my thoughts.

    So whats your review of 2013 and plans for 2014?

Map for the journey: The Bible....

As you know we are on journey. But have you ever wondered how good it would have been if we have the map to reach there but we do have the map and interesting thing is we have the person present to guide us, to help us to interpret the map and take us and show us in right way.

Source:http://bestclipartblog.com

Oh! you might know the map its the Bible.Yes, Bible which you might have noticed I quote most often in my posts for example in my tagline itself there are reference to Bible. So it was important for me to share with you guys and I couldnt come up with any better idea of writing the article on this after reading it on gotquestions.org so I simply copied it from there.

What is the Bible?

The word “Bible” comes from the Latin and Greek words meaning “book,” a fitting name, since the Bible is the book for all people, for all time. It’s a book like no other, in a class by itself.

Sixty-six different books comprise the Bible. They include books of law, such as Leviticus and Deuteronomy; historical books, such as Ezra and Acts; books of poetry, such as Psalms and Ecclesiastes; books of prophecy, such as Isaiah and Revelation; biographies, such as Matthew and John; and epistles (formal letters) such as Titus and Hebrews.

What is the Bible? - The Authors

About 40 different human authors contributed to the Bible, which was written over a period of about 1500 years. The authors were kings, fishermen, priests, government officials, farmers, shepherds, and doctors. From all this diversity comes an incredible unity, with common themes woven throughout.

The Bible’s unity is due to the fact that, ultimately, it has one Author—God Himself. The Bible is “God-breathed” (2 Timothy 3:16). The human authors wrote exactly what God wanted them to write, and the result was the perfect and holy Word of God (Psalm 12:6;2 Peter 1:21).

What is the Bible? - The Divisions

The Bible is divided into two main parts: the Old Testament and the New Testament. In short, the Old Testament is the story of a nation, and the New Testament is the story of a Man. The nation was God’s way of bringing the Man—Jesus Christ—into the world.

The Old Testament describes the founding and preservation of the nation of Israel. God promised to use Israel to bless the whole world (Genesis 12:2-3). Once Israel was established as a nation, God raised up a family within that nation through whom the blessing would come: the family of David (Psalm 89:3-4). Then, from the family of David was promised one Man who would bring the promised blessing (Isaiah 11:1-10).

The New Testament details the coming of that promised Man. His name was Jesus, and He fulfilled the prophecies of the Old Testament as He lived a perfect life, died to become the Savior, and rose from the dead.

What is the Bible? - The Central Character

Jesus is the central character in the Bible—the whole book is really about Him. The Old Testament predicts His coming and sets the stage for His entrance into the world. The New Testament describes His coming and His work to bring salvation to our sinful world.

Jesus is more than a historical figure; in fact, He is more than a man. He is God in the flesh, and His coming was the most important event in the history of the world. God Himself became a man in order to give us a clear, understandable picture of who He is. What is God like? He is like Jesus; Jesus is God in human form (John 1:14,14:9).

Read more:http://www.gotquestions.org/what-is-the-Bible.html (On this website you can find many other important questions answered, and you can ask questions)

If you are interested in reading the Bible there are many online websites which gives provision to read it online(links given below) , however you can also get PDFs and you can also purchase a copy or maybe if you stay in Gurgaon you can meet me I can hand you some copies of New Testament. Also if interested in going church please comment here.

Online Bible: https://www.bible.com/, http://www.biblegateway.com/, http://www.esvbible.org/, http://biblehub.com/

Yes, I am a convert

Enough hitting around the bush I have been telling you boring stories of my past but actually I was telling you the hardships I went through it was actually the bad phase of my life. How I failed in all areas of my life. My life, career, education, philosophy of life, love and many other which I will keep telling you. (If you have not read all underlined words have hyper link to related posts you can read them)

I was hopeless, meaningless and at many stages I thought no one cares for me and its better to die. Many of you will be shocked, in past I dreamt about committing suicide every day and use to plan simple and quick painless death. I thought I am worthless and I cannot do anything. And few times I cannot do anything. And few times I use to write silly things but I was just in a viscous cycle of life-problems-sex-drugs-abuse-death though I never abused drugs or took alcohol but still I use to think that way. Trust me life was meaningless. I use to feel like a bond slave of pleasure and pain. And mostly pain and pleasures meant just ways to escape pain partly but temporary achievements. But I must mention one of the G.K Chesterton's quotes Dr. Ravi Zacharias uses “Meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain, meaninglessness comes from being weary of pleasure.” But when you are exhausted by every kind of pleasure and you have found nothing, no pleasure can really satisfy us. I didn't knew sin and satan are real at that time. But I felt the burden of evil and suffering all around and it was visible in my life because I was not able to sleep at all, every time I tried to sleep this questions haunted me, where am I going? Who am I? where am I? what do I want? and who can save me? What is love? Is it for real? what is real? is that for me and questions with no end. And as I told I was blind having no idea of reality. The darkness was not just around it was within. Therefore everything was dark. Black no light, no life and no hope.

What was life - get up, go to office meet silly people, make friends to just use them for selfish gain and just to kill some time, talk about money and sex thats all. Come home no sleep, questions of purpose and meaning haunting you day and night. Mind was never at rest. Always baffled with what is right and what is wrong? Am I moving in right direction? But question was where am I going. I didn't knew that problem was not outside but was within, there was no way coming out of it. The problem of evil is its not a problem but a mystery we cannot fully understand as we are part of it. We have to come to semi-transcendental point where we can know about the problem but not resolve it ultimately. Consider we are in dark room and there is no light; can we understand that we are in darkness? Similarly its not that sin is all around and we cant see it, we are blindfolded and also responsible for sin and are in sin therefore we cannot always see ourselves as sinner and whenever someone tries to tell us about the same our first response is aren't you a man like me how can you call me a sinner? As Vivekananda says its sin to call a man sinner? But there is a problem in this are we implying there is no such thing as sin? No darkness? But its really cant you see but how can we know darkness exists because light exists and then how do we know about sin because we have broken the law given by God. God is that light which let me know there is something as bright and dark, Good and evil.

Then I tell you how I met God? The above things of good and bad. About Meaning and hope, light, and about life. This was all secondary in my life. The most important thing that was going on my head was this, you might have heard this quote “ Every human longs to be understood, and loved” and also I remember every body needs forgiveness a second chance and I was longing for this mainly. And I told you about my love(failure) story that how I searched it in wrong places and in wrong person and failed miserably that I started doubted the existence of such thing known as love. And I was so broken and meaningless that I had no purpose and virtue left to live for.

And I met Ryan my friend at IGNOU where we both were studying BCA and he told me about Jesus in the way no one really told me ever before, as I never read before. And also met Aveek who made me think through scriptures and through what I though scriptures but are mythologies. More than that Ryan took me to Church and where I found the body of Christ and His love through the body. For the first time I found love in this family. And then I started reading Bible and the words of Bible ans specially words of Jesus were making a lot of sense and it were giving new meaning to my life. Everything Jesus said was opposite of what I have learned in past. It was challenging me to think deeper and His words give me new meaning in my life. His words changed the definition of God and He became my best friend. His words were only escape from this boring, monotonous life. I was understanding that what does it mean to human. I started get answers of my questions of who am I? Why I am here? What is love? Who made us? And why God made us? And not only that I got answers by I started experiencing the love God more an more in my every day life. I learned and started practicing faith and by faith knowing this God whom I love. In Jesus I found that friend who answered all my questions, who knows me completely and who was willing to forgive me. I then experienced God and understood what is sin and how it separated me from God and His love and how I have rebelled against Him. And how I have become proud and thus how I was responsible for the miserable condition of my life. But Jesus was willing to forgive me and how He gave me this second chance to live this life again, a fresh start, a new beginning and giving eternal hope. His(Jesus') life,death and resurrection was central of my life and this was great plan of God to save mankind and thus not only that it is written in scripture but Holy Spirit explained and I experienced it in my day to day life and it gave me breakthrough from the viscous circle of life-problems-sex-drugs-abuse-death and Jesus' word “ I am the WAY and the TRUTH and the LIFE and no one comes to Father except through me” John 14:6 is the sentence which shook me completely and because of this I gave my life to Him.

The day I gave life was also normal, bur exta-ordinary in other sense. Many think the conversion or when people telling their testimonies always have something super miraculous but I dont think it was the case with me. So this was an ordinary day I was hanging out with Aveek, Ashish and Ryan on late friday night and Aveek told me that you cannot serve two masters and you cannot love two different persons at sametime calling them your lord. He told me to chose, chose between Jesus and all other and in next post I will also share my journal entry in which I mentioned the same. Question was there I was asked to chose. Chose between Jesus and all that I have believed last 20 years and that was something I was not prepared for. It was time to take a stand. As I read somewhere “If you dont stand for anything, then you will fall for anything”. And I realize that how crucial that choice was. Some of my friends always said in office that Christians are made they convert people and then ask to throw all the idols out of the home and they ask them to disbelieve all other things and they ask you to change your religion. In midst of all this I never thought I will change my religion, but wait a second religion, you have read(My school of thoughts) what I thought then. It was a choice that I have to make and which will really change everything in my life. And it did. So what do you think what I chose. I chose Jesus and that changed my life. All this journey really began from thus although journey goes back to the beginning because ultimately History is His-story which we are small parts. All my posts are example of what I have experienced and lived my life since then. And you all know my life have never been the same again and yes everyday changing. And I will continue to share my journey experience.

P.S. Title was an inspiration by Anand Mahedevan http://www.outlookindia.com/article.aspx?238770

My School of thoughts part two

 {You read what I use to think here in part one. Here comes the second part.}

My values were self made like well known thinkers; wherever I will found benefit I will take the argument from there and shift the ally towards it and use it. For example eating Non-veg I would say Muslims they eat it always what's wrong in that or when it would come about reincarnation I would explain it with Hinduism and so on and on. I would follow anything that suited me best. Later my teachers some atheists did try to damage my beliefs but was not able to do so. Because he believed there is nothing supernatural and I believed there is only One whom or which I know not and understand not but the one above. And later my problems were so big sometime I doubted whether really God exist or not. But I was agnostic open to arguments but a hidden pantheist believing somewhere someone must be there otherwise it doesn’t make sense. Astrology, numerology, palmistry were some believes I loved to play with but never believed them to be true. I hated all the rules and laws given and that would really make me go away and hide somewhere and think if God really exists?

God for me was like a man made genie to which I went only in the time of need, asking for something and saying in return I will do something good, behave good, fast or visit a pilgrimage that too naked feet and so on. He was like someone who was like a vending machine take some offering of sacrifice and murmur the mantras controlling the magical words like passwords only difference you have to enter it at least for 108 times then your wish might be answered. Whether he answers or not I had the right to get angry on him even for creating me. If created why not in good home with riches and all provision why so many trouble. One hand I doubt whether he existed or not and on other I blamed him for everything.

And I use to think and doubt whether God is an idea or person. Because in faith that I was raised everything absolutely everything is god or there is a god in it. We worshiped handmade idols of woods, stones and wax and anything. I was taught nature: wind, water, trees and animals are to be worshiped because there are gods in it. For everything there is god even for rain, land, wisdom, health, wealth and no matter what and keep on pleasing them to get them. Like a shopping mall just keep offering work and praises and get whatever you desire, but for what just to live the life and after that die and become an animal once again. For some times I use to believe in this idea and got convinced that this god is just a power and nothing else. That’s the difference for me god was just an idea. And at other times I was baffled with question of salvation and the question of life after death and problem of evil all around. I had unknown, thousands of question which were unanswered by any of the faith I tried. This god was my idea or just my creation; I never thought who the real creator is? Question of my purpose of my life was unanswered? My origin was that I am evolved from monkeys and I believed it. And I defined my own morality whatever I feel right is good and whatever I feel wrong is wrong. How good it is and a good escape from any form or question of sin? (Infact the word sin and its implication came much later after knowing Jesus and laws of God).

But when I use to be in a big mess and lot of problem; I really use to cry out to this unknown God whom I doubted and knew not that time that please tell me why I am here? I longed to know many many questions which troubled me day and night but as I never found them very interesting than my passing life I kept them under the blanket and tried to hide them behind my cunning face until I was completely exhausted. Somewhere I was searching for the truth and this hidden God, whom I knew not? For a Savior whom I knew not? For a messiah who will give me life? For a person who will love me? For a creator who will answer all my questions; One who will tell me why He created me and what does He want from me?

You know what I will tell you I found all this in my Savior and my Lord Jesus Christ whom I follow and I will also tell you how, just wait for the next few posts.

My school of thoughts

So far I hope you read about my life career, education and also about my
love life now I will tell you about my philosophy (my school of thought). What shaped my view on religion and what was my theology before knowing Christ and also all my stories I told you are off course meeting Christ I am giving you brief background before telling Why I followed Jesus and How it that encounter has changed my life. This are my personal thoughts and I am not writing any hate speech or anything bad against any religion or belief but this are my personal reflections on them, so if you are hurt by any of my such writing I sincerely request him not to take it personally but rather think deeper on same.
I was born In Hindu family so off course naturally I was informed about the Hindu mythology of Ramayana, Mahabharata, Vedas, puranas and also about so many deities which I still don’t know the exact number. And as a small kid without much questioning I followed because my parents followed. But later when I started growing and going to school and started thinking my view changed and I was exposed to secular world and so many religions and so many school of thoughts along with those religions; each with their own explanations about life and god and goddesses. Difficult to know which one is right. I was born rebel against anything and everything. I am both stubborn and rebellious from childhood for everything single thing I demanded explanation and reason. I hated some silly and awkward rules my parents and friends told me as common as not touching food with left hand, not playing with scissors or two metal sticks, not writing on ground and I don’t know what and unless someone gave me answer which would satisfy me I would go crazy and do it unless you give me a proper reason.
I studied blind faith from books like sati, child marriage, untouchability, caste system though many reformers have already eradicated this long back but when I studied my mind really made me think if this are abolished why can’t other illogical ones can be done away with? But too small to argue with anyone else except my mom and she use to say we never asked our parents why do you ask? Asking too many questions was also not allowed.
As I grew bigger I was convinced with secularism which our country practices and I am thankful for same. Perfect example of Unity in Diversity and didn’t try to dig deeper in the subject of religion and faith but always had perfect arguments against blind faith. I took interest in understanding Islam with help of some friends kept Ramzan fast called “Roza”. Hinduism in itself is so large never understood it completely and land by land the deity changes that its even difficult to remember all the stories and names. For every single thing they have a god or goddesses. Then as I told you my Mom married late in 2007 in a sikh family there I was exposed to Sikhism for some time. I tried understand that too visited gurudwaras and heard their stories and what they preach. But after all this search I was thinking I am Mr. Know it all, who know everything and he is multicultural and a true Indian and I was proudly a pantheist. But reality is I know nothing about any of this religion and I am jack of all trades. In next part we will talk more about same... till then keep thinking.

Love(failure) Story

http://www.123rf.com/

Love(failure) Story

So hope you enjoyed reading the previous parts of my story. If you have not read please read it here part one and part two.And today is one of the longest blog I ever wrote so please bear with me.Today’s reading may have adult content so if you think you are mature enough then only read this at your own risk ha-ha! Its better to be safe and to give a warning. But trust me it’s a good read and I hope you learn from what I want to say. Days passed, weeks passed months passed and then years passed until I met my first girlfriend (If she is reading I am sorry but I will not tell your name but I will just tell the story). And things started changing I have waited for this so long. I missed the pages or I don’t know where I kept them in which I wrote the description in which I fell in love with this girl. But I will not take too much time to share about her. See actually I also don’t know much about her because the relationship longed only for three months. She was three years elder or more than that. She was a very talkative girl and over friendly with anyone and everyone we become good friends and started talking over phone and via sms. Things were going pretty well until one day she poured out her heart and told me that she do not have parents and her current family have adopted her and they really don’t love her and shared all the difficulties she goes through all that and then she also shared that she have some weird disease I don’t know what but one thing I know it has something to do with the uterus and because of that disease she can never give birth to a baby.

And she is overweight and has several other diseases due to that problem. And I am not that good in medical science didn’t really care much what she said and what she meant. I wish I was more sincere in listening that. I felt that she is the right girl I was always wanted a partner who don’t want to have babies (I never thought I will get married and also if I get married not to have babies because according to me life was meaningless and full of problem therefore why to bring someone in such earth to again bear problems) I know many of you are thing how silly is that? But I was just nineteen years old what do you expect?
She was telling story in very emotional way almost pouring out all the troubles and she was crying over the phone and my heart was beating and I got emotional and I said those three magical words for the first time to a girl I slowly dared and whispered “I love you”. And she said I know she thought I am just being friendly to her but then I shocked her saying “I want to marry you”. Now that was serious she started explaining “no-no this cannot happen; how it is possible and all that blah blah!!!” But I was like a fool repeating the same thing I love you and I want the answer. Finally she said “yes”.
My world went upside down and I just jumped couldn’t sleep for few days and was talking and talking to her I don’t know about what. I was so happy I started announcing it here and there like a crazy man that cupid had shot me the arrow of love and I was in cloud9. I told my best friend and other friends about this. And I was so genuine and innocent that I even told my mom about it. It was like a dream come true. Because as you read previously this was the day I waited and anticipated for. Immediately my facebook status was changed to “committed” from “single”. But after few days everything went cold. I don’t know what happened to me. But still the excitement was very high and finally we planned a date for a movie hmm it was stupid movie though? I gave my diary in which I wrote my past as a gift to read I don’t know if she ever read it? And on the first date she kissed me. I was not ready for that. But now what we crossed the line but actually if I think the line was never drawn. I should not blame here completely because I myself was thinking about it and as you read in previous story the reason behind it. And after that moment every commitment was secondary for her and only thing that was in her mind was about physical
And later she came to my room and I cannot tell what happened but you know when a boy and a girl are alone in a room.(Though I clearly remember my roommate cautioned me and on other hand my best friend Ryan cautioned my saying “dude take care you might end up doing something wrong?”) Still I was a fool but what to do I was already in the mindset of doing it because I thought I will ultimately marry her? I couldn’t wait after that I started asking her to get married but she keep postponing it until she met her new boyfriend. But I still remember I didn’t know how I will manage this new relationship against all odds but still I wanted to marry her genuinely.
In all the relationship of three months I don’t even remember how many times I told her I love you but I clearly remember I never said I trust you. I actually never trusted her, I don’t know why? She asked me once that whether I trust my best friend or not I clearly said my best friend not you. I remember asking her many times whether she loves me or not and she use to say yes but when I asked why? I got no answer. I asked this question for two reasons one is to know whether she loves me or not and second I wanted to know the reason so that I can take it forward because for me it started becoming meaningless. I never really got to know her because she was not willing to continue the relationship. But when we were in this relationship it was never the way I thought about it for the whole life. I thought love was the ultimate answer of my weary life but here it broke me more miserable. I have always seen movies and read romantic fairy tales and fictions that people told me and I was convinced that love is that magic we all are ultimately waiting which is suppose to answer all our questions of our lives. But with me it didn’t answer any question of my life neither was I satisfied as I dreamed my whole life. Even being in relationship with her and talking to her about bright future and many things my mind was wandering and haunting me asking is this thought is ultimate answer in your life. My heart and mind were taking me to a toll asking why you are here? Rather than solving any quest of my life, this emotions threatened me because I was new because of this relationship I gave off many bad habits but leaving them I thought I will make good ones but failed because I was looking for meaning in all this but rather finding one I was taken away from it. Whenever she called me we never discussed life but only about physical intimacy after few days only words I use to utter was where are you? how are you? And I love you! and there was no meaning left in our discussions.   

In all this going in my mind and heart one day suddenly she says it is finished. I tried calling asking her what is finished but she said nothing. I called her and she stopped answering my call, stopped speaking to me. She never told me why? She never told what and how? Our relationship ended. And that was the most painful moment of my whole life. And as Dr. Ravi K Zacharias says “the loneliest moment in the life is when you have just experienced that which you thought would deliver the ultimate, and it has just let you down.”

I was bitterly lonely and didn’t know where to run? Whom should I go and why? I was betrayed, I was dumped that too without a reason. Without any explanation she left me alone saying “don’t call me anymore”. For many-many days I convinced myself that she is testing me or there is definitely an explanation to this maybe she needs some time. And I told stories and many other things to convince myself that she has not left me for real. But the truth was she was gone. Life was worse and it became worst. I hated the world so much already and now after knowing a girl to whom I thought I will get married; with whom I shared everything and she betrayed me I lost hope on love too. I was broken in pieces and ready to destroy. I was broken and lost and I had nothing to lose but I lost everything. I wanted to vanish somewhere. But in all this I thought one day she will come back but that one day never came. Now she is happily married and I am happily single once again not in relationship, not in commitment and free. But it took me a long time to come out of it almost the same time three months the same period in which I was in relationship. And I will also tell you who helped me and how I overcame from all this heartbreak and meaningless life.

                         

My story continues....

source: http://www.123rf.com

This is continuation of my life story hope you enjoyed the last part if you have not read please read it here. Last time I told you about my life till I joined a BPO then there I learned computer and then switched my job to another call center and from there I joined Wipro and then I joined Novatium the current place I am working in as IT support executive.

This was my education and professional background of what I studied and my career. Now I will tell you about my relationships. Ah! Don’t worry I don’t have many girlfriends to mention but lets see. As a kid I never got much attention because my Dad passed away early and to support the family Mom had to work day and night but my grandma use to love me a lot and taught me many things. But slowly I was exposed to the world and as I told I was very weak in socializing I think because I was a domestic person loved to stay indoors maybe because of fear.
But things changed when I went to school. No sooner I was twelve years old love, sex and girlfriends and relationships were our favorite topics to discuss about. Love is at core of every human we all hunger for relationship. I was out in hostel by this age and close relationship was my friends but we were taught to love ourselves and nothing else. But thankfully the hostel was only boys’ hostel so no chance of having girls to date but that too was dangerous. Because of that something worse happened due that.

As scriptures says “For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret” Ephesians 5:12. I did every wrong thing possible. But it all began within. As a small in school some senior students were really immoral and they molested and raped us and I was one of the victims of such horrible thing. And it really tore me apart and I use to feel like animal and helpless during that period. Many people have good memory of childhood but mine was filled with pain. Rather than hating these things I also loved sexual immorality and waited to do wrong with others. Its such shameless thing even to write here many of you would have never imagined that a Christian blog will say all this but its my life a true story no matter how hopeless it is.
I was misguided and misinformed about sex from childhood. I also write this so that parents will make sure that speak to their children about sex and sexuality at right age because we Indians think that’s not important but mind you sir its very important.
Then I always longed to be loved and thought that once I am done with my schooling in hostel I go out I will make a girlfriend and share my life and love with her. This was my dream from very young age. I was rebel against all the odds but longing was not for girlfriend but for relationship and understanding. Because no one really understands you until he really loves you. Of course my Mom loved my but we had little time to spend and then my mind being corrupt I was longing for sex too. A girlfriend was supposed to meet all my desires physical and emotional. Trust me when you don’t know where you are going and what is the purpose of life you have such weird plans in your mind.
I moved from hostel to High school here in Delhi thinking to have a girlfriend but no change here again I was in Rajkiya Sarvodaya Bal Vidyalaya(Govt Boys school) and here I got good friends who were very supportive but all very weak in studies just like me and I became more dull. So two years again without chance. Then came job aha here no scene of boys only but then again here it was “ek anar so bimar” that means the ratio was like 50:1 and where do you think I would be. I was youngest and good looking but had nothing; nothing means no money, no bike and no good job to impress girls. Now when my friends will read this no one would ever believe that I thought like this because they all know me as a decent guy. But its only me and my evil mind that knows who actually I am. Next post I will reveal my small love (failure) story.