Love(failure) Story

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Love(failure) Story

So hope you enjoyed reading the previous parts of my story. If you have not read please read it here part one and part two.And today is one of the longest blog I ever wrote so please bear with me.Today’s reading may have adult content so if you think you are mature enough then only read this at your own risk ha-ha! Its better to be safe and to give a warning. But trust me it’s a good read and I hope you learn from what I want to say. Days passed, weeks passed months passed and then years passed until I met my first girlfriend (If she is reading I am sorry but I will not tell your name but I will just tell the story). And things started changing I have waited for this so long. I missed the pages or I don’t know where I kept them in which I wrote the description in which I fell in love with this girl. But I will not take too much time to share about her. See actually I also don’t know much about her because the relationship longed only for three months. She was three years elder or more than that. She was a very talkative girl and over friendly with anyone and everyone we become good friends and started talking over phone and via sms. Things were going pretty well until one day she poured out her heart and told me that she do not have parents and her current family have adopted her and they really don’t love her and shared all the difficulties she goes through all that and then she also shared that she have some weird disease I don’t know what but one thing I know it has something to do with the uterus and because of that disease she can never give birth to a baby.

And she is overweight and has several other diseases due to that problem. And I am not that good in medical science didn’t really care much what she said and what she meant. I wish I was more sincere in listening that. I felt that she is the right girl I was always wanted a partner who don’t want to have babies (I never thought I will get married and also if I get married not to have babies because according to me life was meaningless and full of problem therefore why to bring someone in such earth to again bear problems) I know many of you are thing how silly is that? But I was just nineteen years old what do you expect?
She was telling story in very emotional way almost pouring out all the troubles and she was crying over the phone and my heart was beating and I got emotional and I said those three magical words for the first time to a girl I slowly dared and whispered “I love you”. And she said I know she thought I am just being friendly to her but then I shocked her saying “I want to marry you”. Now that was serious she started explaining “no-no this cannot happen; how it is possible and all that blah blah!!!” But I was like a fool repeating the same thing I love you and I want the answer. Finally she said “yes”.
My world went upside down and I just jumped couldn’t sleep for few days and was talking and talking to her I don’t know about what. I was so happy I started announcing it here and there like a crazy man that cupid had shot me the arrow of love and I was in cloud9. I told my best friend and other friends about this. And I was so genuine and innocent that I even told my mom about it. It was like a dream come true. Because as you read previously this was the day I waited and anticipated for. Immediately my facebook status was changed to “committed” from “single”. But after few days everything went cold. I don’t know what happened to me. But still the excitement was very high and finally we planned a date for a movie hmm it was stupid movie though? I gave my diary in which I wrote my past as a gift to read I don’t know if she ever read it? And on the first date she kissed me. I was not ready for that. But now what we crossed the line but actually if I think the line was never drawn. I should not blame here completely because I myself was thinking about it and as you read in previous story the reason behind it. And after that moment every commitment was secondary for her and only thing that was in her mind was about physical
And later she came to my room and I cannot tell what happened but you know when a boy and a girl are alone in a room.(Though I clearly remember my roommate cautioned me and on other hand my best friend Ryan cautioned my saying “dude take care you might end up doing something wrong?”) Still I was a fool but what to do I was already in the mindset of doing it because I thought I will ultimately marry her? I couldn’t wait after that I started asking her to get married but she keep postponing it until she met her new boyfriend. But I still remember I didn’t know how I will manage this new relationship against all odds but still I wanted to marry her genuinely.
In all the relationship of three months I don’t even remember how many times I told her I love you but I clearly remember I never said I trust you. I actually never trusted her, I don’t know why? She asked me once that whether I trust my best friend or not I clearly said my best friend not you. I remember asking her many times whether she loves me or not and she use to say yes but when I asked why? I got no answer. I asked this question for two reasons one is to know whether she loves me or not and second I wanted to know the reason so that I can take it forward because for me it started becoming meaningless. I never really got to know her because she was not willing to continue the relationship. But when we were in this relationship it was never the way I thought about it for the whole life. I thought love was the ultimate answer of my weary life but here it broke me more miserable. I have always seen movies and read romantic fairy tales and fictions that people told me and I was convinced that love is that magic we all are ultimately waiting which is suppose to answer all our questions of our lives. But with me it didn’t answer any question of my life neither was I satisfied as I dreamed my whole life. Even being in relationship with her and talking to her about bright future and many things my mind was wandering and haunting me asking is this thought is ultimate answer in your life. My heart and mind were taking me to a toll asking why you are here? Rather than solving any quest of my life, this emotions threatened me because I was new because of this relationship I gave off many bad habits but leaving them I thought I will make good ones but failed because I was looking for meaning in all this but rather finding one I was taken away from it. Whenever she called me we never discussed life but only about physical intimacy after few days only words I use to utter was where are you? how are you? And I love you! and there was no meaning left in our discussions.   

In all this going in my mind and heart one day suddenly she says it is finished. I tried calling asking her what is finished but she said nothing. I called her and she stopped answering my call, stopped speaking to me. She never told me why? She never told what and how? Our relationship ended. And that was the most painful moment of my whole life. And as Dr. Ravi K Zacharias says “the loneliest moment in the life is when you have just experienced that which you thought would deliver the ultimate, and it has just let you down.”

I was bitterly lonely and didn’t know where to run? Whom should I go and why? I was betrayed, I was dumped that too without a reason. Without any explanation she left me alone saying “don’t call me anymore”. For many-many days I convinced myself that she is testing me or there is definitely an explanation to this maybe she needs some time. And I told stories and many other things to convince myself that she has not left me for real. But the truth was she was gone. Life was worse and it became worst. I hated the world so much already and now after knowing a girl to whom I thought I will get married; with whom I shared everything and she betrayed me I lost hope on love too. I was broken in pieces and ready to destroy. I was broken and lost and I had nothing to lose but I lost everything. I wanted to vanish somewhere. But in all this I thought one day she will come back but that one day never came. Now she is happily married and I am happily single once again not in relationship, not in commitment and free. But it took me a long time to come out of it almost the same time three months the same period in which I was in relationship. And I will also tell you who helped me and how I overcame from all this heartbreak and meaningless life.

                         

Thankful Thursday: Thanksgiving letter

Dear Dad,
Bless you God. I love you and thank you for everything you have done for us. God I want to thank You for simple things in my daily life and everyday blessings that You have showered on us.

I want to thank you for giving us life and also redeeming us. And for calling us Your son. Thank you for the love we experience everyday and for beautiful family without whose support and kindness I will not be able to do anything. Thank You God for friends and church family and relationships. Thank You for the GCF picnic we went to Tau Devilal botanical garden. Also I am very thankful for Sunday on which I was able to spend time with Pamela, Ryan and Aveek and we celebrated Pam’s b’day.And then for the dinner we had at Deepu’s place and time spent with his family. Thank You God for wisdom and discernment You have given me so that I can chose the right thing at the right time. So that I know that I am made to worship You and for Your pleasure. God I am thankful to know that You delight in us.
Thankful for small everything like job, every day chorus and for cycle which is helping me to live healthy life. I am thankful for food that I get every day, homemade food spiced with lots of love from Mom; which is making fatter day by day. I am thankful for You have provided all my needs. Thank You for the Spiritual food Your Word by which we are blessed and we are alive and attentive towards You. Where will I get strength, love, joy, peace and hope but in You alone and in Your Words. Thank You for step by step guidance for each and everything.
I am thankful for BTCL. I am very thankful for my blog and also for other blogs I read in the world out on blogosphere there are so many stories to read and to give ear to. I am thankful that I am able to write and maintain the blog which is one of my major tasks I planned to do this year. Thanks for this entire list God that you have done for us.
Now my prayers God I want to thank You for keeping me from failing and giving me chance to walk with You. But I do not want to take any credit for this therefore want to praise You for same also I want to pray for coming days that I will walk closer with You. I pray for time management so that I can focus on the other tasks that I have decided for this year which are spending time with God (which includes reading Bible and BTCL assignments also) and secondly for my studies for BA. Dad I know I have not been serious about only one thing that is my studies its mid February but yet I have not yet started my studies properly.
God I want to pray for Ryan and Pamela as they are getting married soon; for their new life and smooth future. God also pray for a stranger who became friend Manoj with whom Aveek shared the good news. Praying for missionaries and ministries that You will give wisdom and strength for accomplishing the Your goals. A long letter but thanks for bearing with my complaints.

Thanking You
Your loving son,
Shushant

My story continues....

source: http://www.123rf.com

This is continuation of my life story hope you enjoyed the last part if you have not read please read it here. Last time I told you about my life till I joined a BPO then there I learned computer and then switched my job to another call center and from there I joined Wipro and then I joined Novatium the current place I am working in as IT support executive.

This was my education and professional background of what I studied and my career. Now I will tell you about my relationships. Ah! Don’t worry I don’t have many girlfriends to mention but lets see. As a kid I never got much attention because my Dad passed away early and to support the family Mom had to work day and night but my grandma use to love me a lot and taught me many things. But slowly I was exposed to the world and as I told I was very weak in socializing I think because I was a domestic person loved to stay indoors maybe because of fear.
But things changed when I went to school. No sooner I was twelve years old love, sex and girlfriends and relationships were our favorite topics to discuss about. Love is at core of every human we all hunger for relationship. I was out in hostel by this age and close relationship was my friends but we were taught to love ourselves and nothing else. But thankfully the hostel was only boys’ hostel so no chance of having girls to date but that too was dangerous. Because of that something worse happened due that.

As scriptures says “For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret” Ephesians 5:12. I did every wrong thing possible. But it all began within. As a small in school some senior students were really immoral and they molested and raped us and I was one of the victims of such horrible thing. And it really tore me apart and I use to feel like animal and helpless during that period. Many people have good memory of childhood but mine was filled with pain. Rather than hating these things I also loved sexual immorality and waited to do wrong with others. Its such shameless thing even to write here many of you would have never imagined that a Christian blog will say all this but its my life a true story no matter how hopeless it is.
I was misguided and misinformed about sex from childhood. I also write this so that parents will make sure that speak to their children about sex and sexuality at right age because we Indians think that’s not important but mind you sir its very important.
Then I always longed to be loved and thought that once I am done with my schooling in hostel I go out I will make a girlfriend and share my life and love with her. This was my dream from very young age. I was rebel against all the odds but longing was not for girlfriend but for relationship and understanding. Because no one really understands you until he really loves you. Of course my Mom loved my but we had little time to spend and then my mind being corrupt I was longing for sex too. A girlfriend was supposed to meet all my desires physical and emotional. Trust me when you don’t know where you are going and what is the purpose of life you have such weird plans in your mind.
I moved from hostel to High school here in Delhi thinking to have a girlfriend but no change here again I was in Rajkiya Sarvodaya Bal Vidyalaya(Govt Boys school) and here I got good friends who were very supportive but all very weak in studies just like me and I became more dull. So two years again without chance. Then came job aha here no scene of boys only but then again here it was “ek anar so bimar” that means the ratio was like 50:1 and where do you think I would be. I was youngest and good looking but had nothing; nothing means no money, no bike and no good job to impress girls. Now when my friends will read this no one would ever believe that I thought like this because they all know me as a decent guy. But its only me and my evil mind that knows who actually I am. Next post I will reveal my small love (failure) story.

A Gift called time...

I had an amazing weekend yesterday and wanted to share this memory with you. One of the love language is quality time and not only that I checked it on http://www.5lovelanguages.com that my love language is quality time and I am not at all surprised. And I also demonstrate this language with others. I don't like to give gifts for two reasons because more that the gift person is very important for me and another is I am mostly out of cash ;-). So I gifted my time to one of my closest friend Pamela on her birthday. And enjoyed the time with her and her fiance Ryan also my best friend.
You can read about Pam here in her blog.And I know her due to this blog. American girl who gave her life to Christ and by faith came to India to marry her love. Interesting person. I love to spend time with this people because they are my close friends. So lets discuss about the quality time I was telling. Because this is something nowadays we don't have time. Many of us are busy in making our careers and many other are busy in running a race to chase something they love. In a time where we demand 24/7 service we are pushed to work day and night. The world has become so close that now everything available on internet and just a call away. We are comfortable in our homes, we don't want to come out and give time.
Are we masking our lives with things and not ourselves in that and offer it to the person saying this is my gift to you. What is key for any relationship to grow may it be love with God, parents, friends or spouse. You need to give your time to them. Many people complain they don't have and can't make time. But you don't make time by just giving excuse.

When you will to do something you will. Make every effort to invest in someone’s life, so that they will know you and you will know them and the relationship will grow deeper. Time is the best gift you can ever give to someone. Give time to God and then to your loved ones and lastly do rest of the things. And I must tell you I really tell you when you do this you will find that how important time is? Otherwise we can just sit saying we don't have time and we can miss on loving someone. Which is not just an option but commandment from God. (Read Matthew 22:37-40)

Growing in relationship

Dear Daddy,
Today I am writing from my daily struggle and what I am feeling and emotionally what I am going through. Today I want to really share what's going on!

I read too much and reflect a little and end up doing nothing. Taking a break and thinking about doing nothing. Nothing is more painful than doing nothing. What should I legitimately replace nothing with. I have struggled with issue of doing everyday. I am never satisfied with my doing no matter what I do?

All words jumbled here keeps me puzzled and end of the day unsatisfied? Then what must I do. I planned four major things to do this year and trying to do that. But somehow I am missing the main thing of my life which is spending some real time with God.By real time I mean intentional a quality quiet time with stillness of my mind. So today I want to write this letter for asking God to help me in this area first. As the scripture says in Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well”. Interesting verse isn't it? We all know its mandate from You and walk according to Your will. But Dad I have gone astray in all the hustle bustle of life trying to perform rather than seeking Your face; I have made this journey wearisome. But the moment I am quiet and still and I reflect on You and Your Word my heart is rejuvenated  and I restore all my hope and my heart starts rejoicing in You. And I long for such moments and when I think of eternal life that You promised me, I just wonder how will it be? It will be combination of such small moments and only about You.
And interestingly I want to thank You for the new challenges like my job, relationship with family, responsibilities that You have added and financial pressure. My studies and BTCL in midst of all this storms I want to say no matter how much challenges I face its You who give me strength and I become more confident and courageous due to all this and really praise You. In all this I see Your loving hand  helping me to be peaceful and look towards You. I am amazed how You work through our imperfect lives towards perfect plan which You have planned. How nothing absolutely nothing comes between You and me in this journey. I really amazed with the faith I have in You. But when I read Your Word and understand that how much You love me everything else become so small that it looks worthless thinking and discussing about it. But God teach me to strive to grow in relationship with You because thats what I must do. I want to know You, know You more than ever I have known. I want to understand Your will so that I can work and do only what You love. As a father delights when son is willing to know about him and his business so do You feel right God. And as Your word says Draw closer to me and I will come near to you. (James 4:8) I am confident that You keep Your covenant but give me grace that I keep mine.

Your loving son,
Shushant

Thankful Thursday

     I am thankful for God created us. Thankful for His love. Thanks specially for forgiveness I have in Christ. Which gives me eternal hope and chance to rise up and say I will sin no more. I will draw closer to God again. I have failed Him everyday but I have got up everytime and never found Him loving me less. Time and again He told me that you cannot do this in your strength don't try to run away from sin in your strength just trust me and draw closer to me. I am thankful for the Cross on which my savior paid the ransom for my sins. Where Father forgave me and cleansed me with the precious blood of Christ.
I am thankful for the peace I have because of Prince of peace. That my soul is in rest in Him. That I am always confident and courageous under His wings. Thankful for I am free from sin and slave to no one.Thankful for God is the provider and I don't have to worry about anything. Thankful because His plans are greater than my. Thankful for meaning and purpose bigger than me. Thankful for His grace, love and fellowship. Thankful for my Church and leaders who are committed to help me and to guide me. Thankful for wonderful friends who are always fighting with me, loving me and making my days memorable everyday. Thankful for the small happiness I get from drawing, playing, chatting, cycling and working and writing. Thankful for all the love, mercy and grace that you shower on us.What are you thankful for.

Short past story of the wanderer

I was born in Delhi in a Bengali migrant family. We were Hindu by religion. At very early age my dad passed away. And I was brought up by my Mom in love and care. My mom is my true hero because she worked very hard to make me big. She was very poor; with her husband everything was buried and was a history. She never ever worked outside before my dad passed away. She was very young but helpless, moneyless, homeless and most importantly hopeless. My mom started staying with my uncle and granny. Being small in the home I use to be very quiet I generally don’t speak much therefore my name suited me Shushant. “Shant”(Hindi) means silence.
I was alone without Dad but it never really haunted me.But what really haunted me was my demands. I had no rights to demand anything, though I was only son that time but our financial condition was not good. So my life was almost without toys and luxury. As a small boy was a brilliant in studies, I use to be topper of the class but somehow I was very afraid to interact and slow in communication. My socialising skills were very weak. I was very domestic person and loved to stay alone at home.
After sometime when I was almost 8 year old I went to hostel for my studies. That was the turning stone suddenly from being alone to be in a big group of similar age kids. So I have developed and learned many good and bad things from there. I learnt all things on my own. And that was a beginning of sense of “SELF MADE MAN”.
After finishing my Matriculation SSC I came to Delhi and took admission in a government school and managed to pass my High school. Because from being habituated to study under good teachers and suddenly change in board and the pattern of learning I collapsed very badly in academics. Academics was my only ally all this years because I was known as a scholar among all my friends and family.And when I failed to perform even there. I lost hope in myself but still I was very proud of myself and still not willing to give up. No sooner I finished my HSC I started working with a small restaurant called Sbarro but I am still proud to say I was in the launching team of the restaurant in India. I learned all my working ethics from here. I had wonderful team members and manager here. But very soon in few months I left the job because I got a job in a International call center which I consider a blunder of my career. Nowhere I remember it. You know a lot of things going on I don't have time and words to describe all that was going on because I am trying to keep the story small.
Here comes the biggest blunder of my life my Mom was very sick and I became jobless those days. In those days I was working in that International call center a KPO(It was a fraud company) during nights and while in day I was working as a hawker(Reddi in hindi) to help an Aunty with her new business. Not ashamed to do that but blunder happened when the call center decided to Kick us without any reason and without paying. They left me jobless and made the situation verse.
My Aunt started pressurising my Mom to get married second time with a man whose wife have already died. The story goes on we don't know why? when? but as per I think mom was thinking about my future and I was thinking about her health and we agreed for the same. Though It was the most depressing moment of my life but for sake of my mom’s health I took the decision thinking I can support the family I was just 17 years old then and jobless, hopeless and surrounded with thousand blunders and failures of life.

But then things didn't go the way we thought the person whom mom married is a very poor man who have a family in a small town of Haryana and his parents are staying there are typical stingy people only money lovers. That home is a horror place for me there is no peace, no laughter, no brightness on anyones heart. Ruthless rigid unchanging old people. And the person(My step Dad now) stays in Mumbai is a small struggling actor who is not willing to take responsibility of his family. I moved out from there and started living with friends and working with call center and became like the normal youth and joined the BPO gang.I wrote a lot maybe I will try to continue in next post.

More than this Monday: Patience

“The first virtue in a soldier is endurance of fatigue; courage is only the second virtue.”
-Napoleon Bonaparte
The hardest thing for me to do is to wait and watch and do nothing. Though I am not impatient as a person if you meet me. I like to wait for hours, I can wait for almost anything, as I don't have preference on many things like taste, clothing, touring, reading, listening or any form of activity but when it comes to work and clarity of doing things I pretty much get impatient and I can't wait.
The first and most difficult virtue in following Christ I found is patience. I have waited a lot in search of this Truth, and this True God whom I know now and that is because of His grace and He chose me. Why its hard for me to wait. I like to work and to perform and get control over things like any normal person would do. But Why we have to wait? For what I must wait?  and why is it hard to wait? But we know Patience is one of the vital virtues of Christianity which we must posses. I have been patient to know His will and His calling for my life.I have been waiting from day one to know what must I do for him? Because before the journey began I was a wanderer but now I know where to go. Journey continues but still I don't know what exactly I have to do? Where I have to go I know but enduring the waiting period is really hard. Currently I feel like the Israelite in Egypt or maybe on the journey towards the promised land. At that time they really had nothing to do think of it there was a time when manna was provided from heaven, as I picture this what they must have been really doing in that particular time. I cannot imagine a day without work and they have to just believe. I recognize myself with them there was temptation to murmur and grumble among ourselves and to think to return to egypt. But God was teaching them to trust in Him in all the circumstance. Look at Moses and Joshua at contrast they were confident on the Living God they knew He is fulfilling the promise He made to their forefather Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. They had trust on His power and His love. God was always with them. Therefore the journey may seem to be weary without action but at the end you must understand in all this journey God was the lead and He fought all the battles and obstacles until they entered the promise land. Should not we be like Moses and Joshua to trust in Him and His promises.

And I remember what God commanded Joshua at the time they were about to enter the promise land “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid;do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” Joshua 1:9. Amazing isn't it when you have the King of Kings and Lord of Lords leading you, do you not be discouraged, afraid or be weak and weary?

Are you also waiting for something?

An unusual Prayer

Dear Daddy,

              Hi, How are you? I know the answer but You know still it's basic ethics of the letter that we ask the person how He is doing? Though in Your case its obvious but as a son I just wanted to check and I know You won't mind at all?

What is that I am crying today, I want to pray an usual prayer today? I want to ask something weird? I have always ask something to add, something to gain, something to reach, something to progress but today I want to put a reverse gear. I want to pray for something to lose, something to give up, something to lay behind and many to surrender. Because I have learned that the knowledge, possession and skills I have are like filthy rags before You. I am afraid that I am carrying a big baggage of proud of something I have done, something I have learned and others which I experienced. But God all this are coming in between You and me. I want to lay them out before You.

Its hard to that because I am afraid of losing something, few things I don't know what but I am afraid. Its hard to give up everything. But today's prayer is that give me strength to unlearn, to throw out all the possessions I carry. To be humble and accept that I am dust and worthless wretched sinner. Truly I am convinced that my heart is desperately wicked and my plans are always filthy and unrighteous. I want to empty myself. I cannot live this duplicit and cheat life everyday. Running and falling and crying every moment thinking to myself why can't I make it by myself? But the Truth that scripture says you can't, you simply can't?(Romans 3:23) 
And therefore I come to you asking me to realize this and to handover my life once again to You my Master, my Father, Lover of my soul, my Redeemer. In You alone I found my life and meaning. Purpose I survived because You came in my life and said “Follow me”. And I committed everything in Your hands then why do I run on my own strength and not on You. God teach me to abide in You by giving up all the obstacles that are coming in between. Let it be only You and me, and nothing to bother us. Let me grow in You alone and by Your strength alone. I really want to enjoy the life in fullness but in Your way and not my way. So here I am to lay all my crowns and all that I possess as filthy rags. As David says “ My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, you, God, will not despise.” Psalm 51:17. I want to be renewed in You Lord. Thanks for listening to my prayers Daddy! Hope You answer soon.

Your disobedient but loving son,

Shushant

About the title and the begining....

As I write this I believe I must began to write from the beginning of this journey which means the year 2010 when I started going to Church and started believing in Jesus slowly. This below is my journal entry of 3rd April 2010.(Kindly ignore the grammar and spelling mistakes and also if some theological errors because I am trying to copy exactly what I wrote then, and also this can be very raw and sometime will not make sense but bear with me it’s just the beginning, when I read this now I feel like it’s a letter written by small kid to God. Hope you will enjoy this..)

Title: The Journey of Faith: In search of GOD, Truth and Way of living
My title speaks about a beginning of my journey towards God, the Almighty. Till now I didn’t have motto or we can say a purpose behind my life. Now the journey will decide where to go.
I have faith on my Father (God) that he will definitely help me to show the path to Him.
Love is the only most precious thing I know. And that’s the grace of God that He sent his Son on earth no for any other reason but for love which he have for his children. I never knew things properly it is always like a dream happening around us most of the things happening around us hardly matters to us because we are very selfish.
But not my Father (God) he always knows everyone and he is there for everyone isn’t it wonderful.
I thank God for being so good to us.
Pray, how to pray I don’t know may be God will teach me. One thing that I know my journey towards God, towards the truth and that’s what I can call as the way of life to live. God just loves us for anything and everything even when we are bad or good; He loves us. I cry to God: “Father! Oh! Father I want to be loved by everyone; teach me how to love everyone and be happy knowing the fact nobody loves you. How to be source of love? One who never asks anything in return of it?
Jesus Christ came on earth lived a life of a human being he loved everyone he met everyone, he shared good news with everyone he met. And in return demanded nothing, not only this he was nailed on the Cross just because of our selfish world. I want to be as lovable as you God.

Prayer is more than words...

My friend Pamela who is also inspiration for me to write is writing a series of articles on theme more than this monday on deep reflection. So today I will try to reflect on basic things as this also vital part of the journey. Today lets look at Prayer only a glimpse.

I don't know if this is said by someone else or not but I always say this to myself that Prayer is the fuel we must live this life. Every single person who believes in God knows about prayer. Now its secondary that how we do it, when we do it and why we do it?

What is prayer in our life? Is it something a everyday routine or we do it occasionally. Do we rely on what we knew about prayers or found out new ways? Do we pray to please God?

Do we pray thinking that this is part of the religion? Does our prayer reflects pride? Or it is a long list of request to God? Or are we asking to do or bless something we are doing or want to do? Are we praying to show something? How does your prayer looks like?
    Because our walk with Christ is defined by the way we pray and how often we pray? What we pray? What does it really mean to pray? So coming back again when I asked this question teach me to pray and how Jesus taught it?  simply saying prayer is communication.
Its by faith, a lot of faith initially because that is the time(When I started the journey) I was not sure about so many things, like where am I going, to whom really I am praying, why I am praying? But what I knew and wanted to know is Truth. What is truth? The Fact something genuine/original by which I can understand everything else. And those days I was reading and still read my favourite bible verse John 14:6 where Jesus says “ I am the Way, and the Truth and the Life no one comes to Father except through me.” But question was still why should I believe what He said is Truth. But faith, by faith I believed He is! Then made an honest prayer to Him, to open my eyes to see Him. And I realized when I heard Him that I did not chose Him, He chose me(John 15:16). As a Father He was always looking for me and He was planning and making my ways to follow Him(Reminds us the story of prodigal son Luke 15:11-32).
    Prayer is really more than the words we murmur before food and before sleeping and early morning. From beginning till date I have believed God is concerned about our heart than anything else. Even before we speak anything He knows.(Psalm 139:4) His eyes are always on us and His ears are always attentive towards us. Then is it only the words that is prayer.No prayers are more than words....
    Prayer goes beyond the offering of our words to him. Its a lifestyle we chose. Its our thoughts, our choices, our efforts and our work; are they not pointing something greater in our lives? Prayer is those songs that comes in our heart when we marvel of His glory. Prayer is that joy we have even in the difficult circumstance. Prayer is that cry when we seek His help in difficult time. Prayer is that talk when we are still and seek His words for our life. Prayer is that time we quietly spend at His feet, saying nothing but waiting to hear from Him.Thus prayer goes beyond mere words its a lifestyle we live. When we are helpless and we confess it to the Lord thats prayer. When we are remembering someone and asking God to help them its a prayer. When you intentionally speak to Him, so that you can avoid temptation and sin thats prayer.
    When you realize that Holy Spirit is guiding you and interceding with you for your words are falling short but He is teaching you and reminding you about Jesus that is prayer. When you trust and listen to His Word carefully that is prayer. Its that love we have with Him
    You know prayer is beyond words: A small baby who have not learned to say loves his parents but can't really express it but the parents know how much the baby loves them and more than those words and whether the baby gives it back or not parents are committed to love the baby. Its the same picture its not how much we pray? How we pray? What we say? Its love of God that really bounds us and if we are conscious towards it our words of thanksgiving and praise to His Grace will never end. And as I always say Our generations will pass away but we will not have enough thanked Him for what He have done in our lives.

So how do you pray?

Bridging the Gap...

Neither my title nor the theme look new but I want to declare that those are genuine. It might be possible that you find my theme to be coinciding with many other literature. Most likely with a book like John Bunyan’s Pilgrim's progress(Though I have not yet read the book and hope not many things and themes are similar because no way I should be compared such a man) but trust me the title Journey of Faith came to my mind when I first really started writing my journal when Ryan and Aveek(People who shared Christ with me) started telling me about Jesus. I was broken and lost at that time and it was a time of introspection in my life. The word faith was something came to my mind and as I would describe myself helpless that time. But it took a long time to decide about the journey. So bear in mind this journey is part of my life. I will sometime bring stories of my past and other times reflect on present situations and yet sometimes peep towards the progress. Join me in this roller coaster ride of my life as we journey together.

I also write this to inform you that I am very poor in english, specially in grammar therefore you might found multiple errors some time you will find common silly mistakes, feel free to comment to correct me. Also I am not very learned person therefore my writing style is random and very raw. I am a dreamer, a small kid therefore trying to paint a small piece of big picture. But try to understand my ideas which is the most important thing about blogging. I want to communicate messages, so kindly comment so that we keep interacting and travelling together. I don't like to travel alone come join us.